Just Passing Through
by MarcoLover16
Summary: Goes along with Sick, but you don't need that to understand this. Without each other, the marauders would be lost. Sirius, especially, has no idea where he'd be without James bloody smiling Potter. Sirius' life isn't really what it seems. It hurts.
1. Different

**Author's Note: This is rather different from anything I've ever done. (Don't I say that quite a bit?) You see, it is mostly a Sirius story. It doesn't go day by day, though. You'll see what I mean, but it's mostly days in the life of the marauders…starting from first year until the day the Potters died. Each chapter will be really different. Just warning you. Now, I'm writing this to show that I feel the marauders all changed each other in some way, so when you begin this, you may get the idea that James is incredibly annoying, Sirius gives up **_**way **_**too easily and is completely obedient, Remus is a bit unfriendly, and Peter is somewhat of a loner. However, they are not meant to be out of character. They haven't grown into who they are all meant to be yet because I feel that, without each other, this is how they would be. Again, once you read, it will become clearer to you why each one of them is the way he is. By the way, this is sort of like…I guess you could say a companion piece to Sick. You do not have to read Sick at all to understand this. It's just, if you are a reader of that story, this one might help you understand little pieces of that one before everyone else who reads that story because you'll know a certain thing about Sirius, and this will probably help **_**Sick **_**readers to understand the weird thing going on with James and Sirius in that story. Both are Lily/James, by the way. Have I confused you enough? Lol. I apologize. Uh, I debated for a while about whether or not I should mention this because it kind of spoils something in the story, so I'm just going to say something that you people from **_**Sick **_**would already know…Sirius is gay. Offended? Leave. He doesn't even know it yet, so you shouldn't have much of a problem with this chapter. Anyway, please enjoy. I'm in the middle of two trillion stories (some posted, some still in thought), so hopefully this won't hurt updates too much. OH! One more thing: This **_**is **_**post-Deathly Hallows, but you don't see Lily and James meet on the train the way they do in that book. **

"Walk."

Sirius didn't protest, but if he hadn't been walking, he didn't know what, in Merlin's name, he had been doing.

"Sirius," she said, pushing him a bit to show that she meant business.

Regulus chuckled when his older brother stumbled. Sirius, glaring, shoved his brother away from him.

"Mo_ther!"_ Regulus exclaimed, rubbing his elbow.

Their mother ignored both of the children, adjusting her blouse, feeling foolish in muggle clothing. "Bit father," she said, yawning.

Though Sirius wasn't enjoying the walk to the train with his mum and brother, he could tolerate it so long as they could avoid meeting up with his cousins.

"Here," said Mrs. Black, holding up her hand.

They had arrived at the platform. Sirius jumped at the sound of laughter, knowing there was no way it could have been his mother. For a moment, he was afraid it was Bellatrix, but he turned to find a large family a few feet away from them.

"What is wrong with you, Cedez?"

Sirius allowed a small smile to come to his face. A young boy possibly his age, had fallen over a trolley, which looked like it had been placed in front of him purposely. They boy had his glasses in his hand, so he obviously hadn't been able to see.

"Mercedes!"

"It's fine, mum," said the boy, realizing people (including Sirius) were watching him. "Don't make a scene."

Sirius laughed, quickly covering his mouth to make sure his mum didn't see he had been amused by the family she was watching in disdain.

"You're not to associate with that group," she said, nodding her head in the family's direction.

Regulus bit his lip. "They are loud," he said. He looked positively terrified.

Mrs. Black laid a hand on his shoulder, pleased.

"Be off," she said, gesturing toward the barrier.

There was no formal good-bye. Sirius hadn't been expecting it, but he was sort of hurt that his mother was still looking at the family instead of at him.

Sirius nodded unsurely at his brother. He wasn't able to read Regulus' expression. "Bye," said his younger brother softly.

Even after years of wanting to get out of Grimmauld place, he wasn't so happy about going to Hogwarts. After he got through, it seemed he stepped into a whole new world, which, he supposed, he really had. Everything changed—even his mood.

"Wow," he said breathlessly.

Sirius, grinning, ran to the first door. He pulled it open, scared and excited, and he shook slightly as he walked to a compartment. Sirius stood in front of it, not knocking, not moving, and not taking the chance to open it.

"Come on," he said to himself, wondering what the passing students thought of him. He must have looked rather ridiculous.

Finally, only due to fear of being caught by his cousins, he cautiously opened the compartment door.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Hi," he said, looking straight at the boy leaning against the window.

The boy was startled. "H—hi," he said, sitting up straight.

Sirius realized that the boy had been sleeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can go—"

The boy shook his head. "You don't have to. I just wasn't expecting…"

As soon as Sirius sat down, the boy looked back out the window, showing Sirius he didn't really want to talk. Sirius took in his appearance while it was quiet. He had sandy brown hair, amber eyes, and his hands were covered in scars. Sirius wasn't one to judge, of course, with all the cuts and bruises he had acquired over the years, but the boy seemed self-conscious about them. He hid them in his robes when he saw, through the corner of his eye, that Sirius' eyes had been on them.

The boy seemed to decide he couldn't get away with being silent for the entire ride because he turned back to Sirius rather reluctantly. "Remus Lupin."

Sirius smiled. "I'm Sirius."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I guess I'm not the only one with a strange name," he said.

Sirius started to laugh, but Remus didn't crack a smile, so Sirius wasn't sure if he had been joking. They were saved from awkward conversation as the compartment door opened again.

Remus turned back to the window, leaving Sirius to greet the guests.

"Hi," said the boy cheerfully.

Sirius noticed that the boy was the one he had seen fall earlier on. He was—there was no other way to put it—so pleasant. After living with the most unpleasant people on earth for his whole life, Sirius felt that he had unfortunately become a bit unhappy himself. And, the first person he had met—Remus—didn't seem to like people very much, so this new, happy, permanently smiling, person was frightening to Sirius, but also strangely entrancing.

Sirius found himself smiling. "Hey," he said.

Sirius never thought he would need company, considering he spent most of his childhood hiding from people, but he had to admit that this feeling of having someone who wanted to just talk with him was something he had always secretly—unbeknownst to even himself—desired.

"I'm James Potter," said the boy, still smiling brightly. "This is Peter Pettigrew."

Peter smiled shyly and waved. Sirius waved back, still wearing that smile that was still so unfamiliar to his face. Sirius then glanced at Remus, wondering if he should introduce him, but he bit his lip and shook his head.

James sat down next to Remus. It was obvious that he understood what Sirius had meant: Remus didn't want to be bothered. However, he ignored the request.

"Hey, I'm James," he said.

Sirius wondered if James had actually painted that smile on.

Remus looked at him. "Remus," he said, turning back to the window. James wasn't satisfied with this.

"Are you tired?" he asked. His voice expressed a small amount of sympathy.

Remus sighed. "Yes."

"I see," said James.

Peter looked at Sirius, as if to ask, 'What is wrong with this kid?', but Sirius had no idea either. Why was he so intrigued?

"Any idea what house you'll be in?" asked James, still focused on Remus.

Perhaps, he thought Remus needed attention…? Whatever James thought, Sirius knew he was stubborn—irritatingly so. Sirius had never been one to hold onto a conversation if the other wasn't interested.

Remus turned his body completely away from the window. "No," he said.

James was completely unaffected by Remus' indifference. It truly amazed Sirius and Peter.

"I'm thinking I'd like to be in Gryffindor. Half my sisters have been in Ravenclaw, and I'm definitely smart enough for it—" James stopped, looking as though he was about to apologize for the conceited comment, but shook his head, and went on, "but I'd rather be in Gryffindor."

Sirius could see clearly now why he wasn't allowed to associate with James and his family.

"One of my sisters is Head Girl of Gryffindor, though, and I might die if I have to obey her every word," he said, laughing. "She's a megalomaniac."

James was still talking to Remus, but he was, at the same time, making sure Sirius and Peter were listening as well.

He gave Remus a look to show him that his interrogation was not quite over, and then he turned to the other two.

"What about you guys?" he asked.

Peter shrugged. "Probably Hufflepuff," he said quietly. "Not much good at anything."

James rolled his eyes. "Everyone's good at something. Even Hufflepuffs. You, Sirius?"

Sirius had been afraid this moment would come. He knew where he was going, after all, and he would be damned if he did get into Slytherin and damned if he didn't.

"Well, I would like to be in Gryffindor," he said, deciding he would rather not go into the family tree just yet. If it turned out he could trust James, perhaps he would tell him.

James smiled. He seemed fine with that answer.

Truthfully, Sirius had never thought about what house he wanted to be in. From a young age, he had accepted the fact that he was expected to be in Slytherin, and of course, he would be. He didn't stop to think about what he wanted because he knew it wouldn't have mattered. Besides, why get your hopes up for something impossible?

But he couldn't help thinking about what a funny surprise it would be to become a Gryffindor.

Not that it would happen, of course. Sirius didn't like to stray too much from reality. Even Andromeda had been sorted into Slytherin. Therefore, there must have been an unwritten law that being born into the Black family automatically made you a Slytherin. And…if Dromeda was in that house, it couldn't have been that bad.

The rest of the journey was spent with a silent Remus, a watchful Peter, and a loud, talkative James, and Sirius was enjoying himself. They had only stopped talking once to change into robes. Remus had already been dressed. Before they knew it, they had arrived at Hogwarts.

"So, you were saying you had sisters," said Sirius curiously, walking over to the boats where the large man had instructed.

"Yeah," said James, looking at the man in awe. "Speaking of my sisters, they've all had a lot to say about him."

"Hagrid?" asked Sirius.

"No more 'an four to a boat!" he shouted.

Remus rolled his eyes. "My lucky day," he muttered to himself, sitting himself down next to Peter.

James laughed, and then turned back to Sirius. "Yeah, they like him. Apparently, he's a good time."

Sirius didn't want to relay any information he had heard from Bellatrix about Hagrid, so he said nothing, figuring that if James' family liked Hagrid, he had to be a good man.

"I've got eight, by the way," said James, still smiling as he ran his hands through the water beneath them.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Oh," he said, remembering the previous conversation. "Sisters?"

James nodded. "Yes, I have eight."

Sirius blinked. "Wow."

He took his hand out of the water. "What about you?" he asked.

"I have a younger brother," he said. "And my cousins practically live with us."

The damn smile was still on his face. Sirius was sure he could have told him he had plans to murder him, and James would still smile.

"I'd love a younger brother," said James, staring up at the sky, as if hoping his wish would be granted. "I'm youngest."

"Lucky," said Remus, speaking without being asked for the first time.

"Which of us?" asked James.

"Both of you," he said, turning away again. "I'm an only child. Very boring."

James' smile faded for a moment (shocking), and Sirius saw that he was looking at Remus' hands.

"What happened to your hands, Remus?" he asked, sounding concerned.

"Oh," said Remus, looking down. "My cousin has this cat…" he said, shrugging. "Well, you get the picture."

James opened his mouth, no doubt about to make some kind of complaint, but he closed it. They were stopping.

"I see," he said, letting it go. Once again, however, he gave him a look to show it wasn't over.

There was something gorgeous about the castle. Sirius was scared as hell, but he found himself relaxing with James by his side. He was just so confident, easy-going, and the thought of walking into a school where he was about to be sorted (or judged) meet new people, and have to change his entire life, didn't bother him one bit.

How Sirius envied that confidence.

It seemed it had only been a second before McGonagall was leading the first years into the Great Hall to be sorted. Sirius could feel Bellatrix's eyes on him from the Slytherin table, but he ignored her.

"Nervous?" James teased, well-aware that Sirius was, indeed, nervous.

"Fine," he said through gritted teeth. "Spectacular."

Remus actually smiled, though it looked to be more of a smirk, pushing in front of them.

"You're actually _afraid _to be sorted?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

"Not ex—"

"_Black, Sirius."_

Okay, Sirius _hated _being third on the list. One of the many reasons he hated his surname.

James smiled encouragingly at him, but it didn't make him feel much better. He pretended to relax.

Sirius walked slowly up to the hat McGonagall was holding up, and he suddenly was aware of just how many people were watching. So many people. Watching. Judging. Thinking.

Sirius took a deep breath, telling himself not to panic. What did he care if the hat put him in Slytherin? After all, it was where he was meant to be, right? What did he care if he never spoke with James again? Did it really matter? Once James found out where he came from, he would abandon him anyway…and any other sensible member of the school would as well. Why did it matter to him?

It didn't. It didn't at all.

And why did he want to be in Gryffindor anyway? So he could be with a kid he had met who smiled a lot? Who _cares? _Is one boy, a boy he didn't really know, worth a lifetime of torture from his family? More torture than usual, anyway. Was this James Potter really worth it?

Sirius supposed he could have been. Damn that boy and his damn smile.

Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head, and Sirius felt his heart drop. It was going to say Slytherin. He didn't care if his mother stuck him in a hole, he didn't want to be in Slytherin! Just looking over at their table, spending time with Bellatrix every day…having her be _proud _of him.

Merlin, no! No. No. No.

"Gryffindor!"

_Well…that was easy._

So, with his legs shaking, heart pounding, and happiness level boosting, Sirius made his way to the Gryffindor table.

Author's Note: Hope you liked it. :) Please review!


	2. A Strange Boy

Author's Note: Remember how I said each chapter would be kind of different? Well, this one pretty much follows the first. You will understand later on. Enjoy. :) I'd like some more reviiiiews. :( And—yes, I'm aware unspecial is not a word. It was necessary in the chapter.

Sirius couldn't believe it, even as he walked to the Gryffindor common room with his housemates. He was still in awe. A Gryffindor? It was enough to make his heart beat more quickly, but he was not certain if he was happy…or not.

"You look dumb," said James jokingly, watching Sirius stare at almost every passing object in utter amazement. "It isn't as if you have never seen magic before, right?"

James seemed to come to a realization, a look of understanding on his face. "Are you muggle-born?" He didn't look as if that would make him unhappy at all. In fact, he looked fascinated.

"Umm…" said Sirius, taking a moment to think. "Yeah."

"Are you serious?"

James rolled his eyes, but turned to face Remus Lupin. "About?" he asked.

"The name Black is infamous. It's probably the most known pureblood family in the world," he said, shaking his head.

"It's a common name," said Sirius, "in the muggle world."

Sirius was not sure why he was lying. James was sure to find out soon enough, and when he did, everything would probably be worse. It seemed pointless to hide it.

"Personally, I would rather stay away from such people. I mean, if you _aren't _from that family, you should know to be aware of them," said Remus. "Very dark people, they are."

Then, Sirius realized why he wasn't telling James. He bit his lip while Remus was talking, not caring that he was drawing blood. James looked at him suspiciously, but he said nothing.

"And this is the Fat Lady," said the Prefect. "Palindrome. See? Simple."

James rolled his eyes. "I am sorry, but my sister has turned me against prefects and heads."

Sirius laughed.

Sirius watched James talk briefly with the other students, admiring how easily he did it. He didn't get too personal, but he gave enough information to let them know he was willing to be open about things. Sirius shook his head enviously.

"Upstairs and to the right, you will find the boys' dormitories, and the girls are to the left," said the prefect, pointing to the staircase. "You will find your belongings have already been brought up to your assigned rooms, and—" The prefect turned to the girl behind him, and she nodded in return. "That's about it."

"Any questions?" asked the girl who had nodded. No one said a word. "I suggest getting to bed as soon as possible. You'll have to be up early for class in the morning."

Most students did go upstairs. The eagerness to see where they would be sleeping combined with the exhaustion from the day drew the first years to their beds.

James and Sirius rushed upstairs, laughing, and they were happy to find that they were together. "Thank God," said James, sitting down cross-legged on the bed his trunk had been placed on. "Now, I know I'll have someone interesting to talk to."

Interesting? Was he? Sirius smiled. He actually felt wanted.

"Hey, Peter," said James.

Sirius turned around to see both Peter and Remus standing in the doorway.

"Peter, tell me that's not mine," said Remus desperately, pointing to the trunk on the bed by the window."

Peter slowly walked over to it, not wanting to be the one to break the bad news. Sure enough, R.J. Lupin was clearly printed on the side.

Remus groaned. "You've GOT to be kidding me."

James laughed. He didn't seem to be bothered by Remus' unhappiness with the room assignment.

"That's not very nice, Mr. Lupin."

"Stop," said Remus, aggravated. Sirius did not understand how Remus could hate James so much, especially when he had only known him for a little while.

Peter cleared his throat to prevent any further conflict. "Well, it looks as if this is my bed," he said, getting into the one closest to Remus'.

"Who you think the other one belongs to?"

"Obviously, it's Frank Longbottom."

James raised an eyebrow. "Obviously!" he said sarcastically.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Can't you read?

No matter how hard he tried, Remus could not manage to upset James in any way.

"Oh, I can," said James, pretending he hadn't noticed the sarcasm. Without wasting anymore time, Frank decided to show up. He was greeted pleasantly by three boys, and Remus pretended to be too absorbed in his reading to notice his entrance.

"Heeeeeeey, Lupin!" said James obnoxiously. "Say hi to Frank here. Don't be rude."

Remus took a deep breath and lowered his book. "Hello, Frank."

The poor boy was clearly uncomfortable, but he smiled at Remus. "Hey," he said.

James, though still very awake, noticed that his companions were looking drowsy. "Lights?" he asked.

"Out," said Sirius, yawning.

James smiled, which really wasn't surprising anymore. "Night."

Sirius smiled back. His face muscles were beginning to like the exercise.

Then, suddenly, he felt this weird feeling. His stomach sort of…dropped. It was strange, and at first, he was scared due to its unfamiliarity, but then he relaxed because it didn't really hurt. He shook his head. It was kind of…a good feeling.

"I'm not very tired," said James loudly, not caring much if he disturbed the others.

"Me neither," said Sirius. It was a total lie, of course, but he wanted to talk to James some more.

"Remus falls asleep so fast," said James. "Hey, Remus!"

"Yes, he's out," said Sirius, hoping to calm James.

"He slept most of the time on the train," said James. "How can he be so tired?"

"James?"

James turned when he heard his name. "Yes?"

"Shut-up," said Frank.

"Why, Frank, since you asked so nicely, I'd be happy to oblige," said James. Sirius couldn't see him, but he knew he was smiling.

"I'm sorry, but the idea of pouring things into a pot sounds agonizingly like cooking," said James.

"No," said Sirius. "I'm kind of looking forward to it."

"I hate cooking," said James. "Pass the salt."

Sirius chuckled. "So you've said." He handed James the salt container and watched as he poured a generous amount on his pancakes. "You're disgusting," he said, crinkling his nose.

James only smiled.

"So," said James, taking a bite of his salted pancakes, "you see that girl down by the redhead…talking to that _**guy**_?" Sirius gave him a questioning look, but James shrugged. "Her evil boyfriend. Anyway, you see her?"

Sirius looked at where James was pointing. "Blondish hair in braids?"

James nodded. "That's Ciara, my sister. Then, over there, by…well, she's got brown hair."

"Yes…though there are many."

James glared. "That's Mercedes."

"The one who made you fall?" asked Sirius.

James looked confused for a moment. "Oh, you saw that? Wow. Well, yes, that's the one. Little devil."

Sirius laughed, but he didn't say anything more. He looked towards the Slytherin table.

When he caught Bellatrix's eye, she mouthed, "I wrote."

Sirius had no idea what she meant. She wrote? Had she finally developed a normal skill?

"Oh," he said to himself. She had written the family.

"Hmm?" said James, assuming Sirius had been talking to him. "What are you looking at?"

Sirius shook his head. "Just thinking."

After they were done, Sirius and James walked to Potions together. Sirius was quiet, trapped by his many thoughts. James did not seem to mind. He kept talking, and he seemed satisfied with Sirius' nods and occasional 'mhmms.'

"Hey, Sirius."

"Ignore her," said Sirius.

"Why? What's up?" asked James, slowing down because the girl who had spoken was catching up.

"Please keep walking," Sirius pleaded, looking straight ahead.

"Oh, Siiiiiirius."

Sirius had no choice but to turn around and face his cousin.

"Hello," he said reluctantly.

Bellatrix turned to James. She stared at him with unhidden contempt. Sirius could not believe James kept his composure under her glare. He seemed unaware of her dislike.

"Hi," he said cheerfully.

Bellatrix, like Sirius, seemed unsure of what to do when she spoke with his happy child. Sirius shrugged. Bellatrix was more shocked than impressd.

"Bellatrix Black," she said.

"Ohh," said James, understanding then why Sirius had wanted to avoid her. "I've heard about you."

"Have you?" she asked, surprised.

"Indeed."

Still, he smiled. "I'm James Potter."

Realization seemed to come to her. "Oh, good Lord," she said. "I guess I'll have more to tell your mother. Don't be surprised if she arrives in a few days to take you back home."

Sirius sighed. "Thanks for the warning. We have to get to Potions."

Without another word, Sirius pulled James away from his cousin, and she did not follow.

His mother wouldn't really take him home, would she? He hadn't been in school for a day yet, but he already committed an unforgivable sin. Two. Gryffindor and James. Hell, three, if he counted all the damn laughing and smiling.

No. His mother would surely rather her disappointment of a son stay far away from her than be back with her in the house, right?

Sirius looked uneasily at James. James looked at him at almost the same moment.

"Common name, huh?"

Sirius felt very stupid. How in the hell did he think he was going to be able to hide it for long?

"She's my cousin."

"Remus was right, then?" asked James.

Sirius nodded. "Are you angry?" he asked hesitantly.

James shook his head, smiling again. "Why would I be?"

James Potter. This boy was certainly a mystery.

"Umm…because I lied to you."

"Did you? I must have been very stupid to believe you then. My fault, really."

Sirius felt he should have said something else, but he was just so happy that he hadn't lost his new friend. He didn't want to risk ruining that.

Apparently, Professor Slughorn liked to keep the room cold. James and Sirius had to wrap their arms around themselves as soon as they walked in.

"Are we assigned seats?" whispered Sirius, shivering.

James shrugged. "I don't think so. Let's just sit behind redhead over here."

Sirius and James sat at the table behind 'redhead,' also known as Lily, and a boy with long, greasy, black hair.

"Good morning!" said Professor Slughorn. "Let's just take attendance, shall we? Easy morning we have."

No student made a noise when his or her name was called. Only shy hands were raised. The first years were clearly intimidated by the teacher and each other.

"Remus Lupin?"

James raised an eyebrow at Sirius. "Where is he?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't think he ever got up."

"Didn't you wake him?"

"I did," said Sirius. "He told me he was getting up."

"Weird," said James.

"Potter?"

James raised his hand, and Slughorn smiled at him before continuing with the roll call.

"He is such a strange kid. He was quiet, but still relatively nice to me, but then you came in, and he just hated you…and me by association."

"I have that affect on some people."

"I'm sure no one else dislikes you," said Sirius confidently.

James didn't answer. He was too busy staring at the back of Lily's head.

"Potions," began Slughorn, "is an exact art, which is why it will be difficult for many of you. One mistake: it's ruined."

James sighed. "Cooking…" he mumbled.

Sirius tried not to laugh. It wasn't that difficult, considering he was still rather upset about what Bellatrix had said to him. Would his mother come get him? It was not fair! He had finally found something—someone—no, some_thing _worth his time, and it was going to be taken away from him.

Evidently, Sirius had been lost in thought for a while because he had missed Slughorn's entire speech. He blinked. Everyone was suddenly talking.

"What happened?" asked Sirius stupidly.

James chuckled. "I thought you were a bit out of it. We're picking partners for the project tomorrow."

"Oh," said Sirius. "Do you—"

"Of course," said James.

Only a moment passed before James looked back at the two in front of him.

"You cold?" Sirius heard the boy ask Lily.

She nodded. Well, of course she was. Everyone in the bloody class was freezing.

"I'm afraid I don't have anything to give you, but—"

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, James kicked the leg of the girl's chair.

The redhead turned around, looking confused and a bit threatening. "Sorry!" said James. Sirius almost believed it had been merely an accident; James looked so apologetic.

Lily smiled slightly. "No problem," she said, turning back around.

James ran his hand through his hair, making it into even more of an awful mess.

The door opened noisily. Remus, looking pale and embarrassed, walked across the room to Slughorn's desk, out of breath. There were dark circles under his eyes, making it look as if he hadn't slept in weeks.

"Mr. Lupin," Sirius heard Slughorn say when Remus got to his desk. The rest of their brief conversation was too quiet for any of them to hear. Remus didn't seem to be in any kind of trouble for his lateness, and he took the empty desk next to a brunette named Alice.

James seemed restless for some reason. He kicked Lily's chair again, and this time, she did not turn around. Obviously needing her attention or, possible just wanting to see her face again, James kicked the chair for a third time.

"Do you have a problem?"

It wasn't Lily that turned around, however, but the greasy haired boy.

"No," said James. "I have long legs."

The boy studied James for a while. He was on the verge of arguing, but then he decided it wasn't worth it.

"Just leave her alone," he said, turning back around.

"Today was just meant to be kind of an introduction," said Professor Slughorn.

"This man is about as happy as you," Sirius muttered. James laughed.

"Now, we're all satisfied with our partners?"

The class nodded. "Well, spend this time getting to know each other. Goodness knows you'll be spending a lot of time with the other students in this room."

Sirius noticed James was still staring at the back of Lily. There was something odd in his expression. He was still smiling, but he looked partly annoyed.

"Are you trying to make enemies?" asked Sirius. "What are you kicking her chair for?"

"Doesn't he irritate you?" whispered James, looking away from them. Sirius hated when people answered questions with questions, but he didn't bother to tell him that.

"Not really," said Sirius. "You mean…do I hate his robes?"

James rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious. He just kept talking to her every chance he got."

Sirius snorted. "He's going to hell, for sure!"

Finally, they heard the bell. James _accidentally _bumped into Lily on the way out, with Sirius mouthing an apology to her from behind him.

James and Sirius walked to Transfiguration together. Sirius tried not to think too much about it, but he was quickly realizing that James was going to be a difficult person to figure out. Every piece of information he had was proved useless.

James was a kind-hearted, happy—that deserves to be mentioned a second time—happy person. He never got angry, and he forgave easily. Yet, he glared pointedly at the greasy-haired boy. He smiled at Lily, kicked her chair, apologized, and smiled again. Then, he kicked the chair again, and he tried to get them angry. His personality didn't seem to match the way he had treated those two in the Potions room. There had to be something up.

James was stubborn. He never let Remus be, wanting to know exactly what was wrong with him. He also tried to get him to speak, even when he didn't want to, but with Sirius, he let him be quiet whenever Sirius showed he wanted silence. Why didn't he give the same courtesy to Remus? What made Sirius so special or…_un_special? Perhaps James just didn't care about his unhappiness…

Nothing put a damper on his day. It sort of made Sirius happy, but it also made Sirius want to hold him down and tell him about all the terrible, horrible, disgusting things in the world in order to possibly make him cry. Okay. Maybe that wasn't a good thing to do to your new—and first—best friend.

He seemed to think Sirius was interesting, and Sirius certainly was not the interesting one. Not at all.

"Sirius?"

Sirius recognized that he had become distracted again by his thoughts and worries. "Yeah?" he asked.

Before James could say anything, a broom closet door was slammed in Sirius' face. It didn't necessarily hurt, but the force of it shocked him enough to stumble and drop his books.

Mr. Filch walked by them, mop in hand, sneering.

"I appreciate the apology," said Sirius, rolling his eyes as he bent down to pick up his many books.

"You should really get a bag or something," said James, getting down to help him.

"Mhmm," said Sirius, avoiding his eyes. James was just too close, and he desperately needed his personal space.

Sirius stood up, finally risking a look at James. James smiled at first, but then his eyes widened. "Shit, what is that?"

"Where?" asked Sirius, almost dropping his books again, surprised by James' tone.

"On your neck…"

James moved even closer, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. Before Sirius knew what was happening, James had his finger on the scar on his neck. Sirius supposed they had never been close enough for James to see it.

It was a completely innocent touch, and James looked so concerned about the cut that Sirius tried to calm himself, but he backed away, as if he had been shocked.

James tried not to look hurt. "Don't like to be touched; that's fine, especially if it hurts…does it?"

"No," said Sirius. "It's from forever ago."

James nodded, and he, too, began to look uncomfortable with how little space was between them. He increased the distance between them, but Sirius was sure it was for a different reason.

Sirius wasn't even sure what his own reason was. A part of him told him that he was afraid of James, but the rational side of his brain quickly took over. It was stupid to be afraid of James, and he wasn't. In fact, if he wasn't afraid of his family, a group of people that had certainly given him much reason to be, why would he be afraid of a boy who showed him nothing but kindness? True, it was slightly overwhelming and different, but it was a nice different.

Whatever it was…Sirius didn't think he liked it. It was almost like the feeling from the night before when he and James were talking, but something in him warned him that this feeling would not be good in the future.

He subconsciously rubbed his scar with his free hand. It tingled where James had touched it. Sirius swallowed painfully.

Perhaps, he was going to have to figure out what was going on with himself before he tried to figure out James.

Author's Note: Please please review! I'm having company this weekend, and I have midterms coming up on Tuesday, but I have Monday off, so I'm going to do my best to get the next chapter of _All You Wanted_ up very soon. Sooner, if you review this. :)


	3. Not Friends

Author's Note: I love writing this story so much because of all the things I have planned for Sick, but you guys aren't reviewing much, so I don't know if you like it as much as I do. It will be very infrequently updated if you don't give me any feedback. And, I've decided to split this chapter into like…two parts, sort of. So, the next chapter will obviously be part two, but the chapter after that is going to be fun.

"That's ridiculous," said James, rolling his eyes.

"Do you have a better theory?" asked Sirius.

"Does he have a better theory than 'Remus is afraid of coming to class too often?' Most likely," said Peter, chuckling.

"Shh," said James, nodding his head toward the Portrait Hole.

Remus walked in, chatting quietly with Frank about what he had missed. "Thanks," they heard Remus say.

Remus walked right past the three boys without a word. "Hey, Remus."

He turned around cautiously on the first stair when he heard Sirius' voice. "What?" he asked.

"How is your mother?" asked Sirius.

Remus looked as if he did not know how to respond. He wasn't used to such obvious concern.

"She's okay," he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Good," said Sirius. "Hopefully, she won't get sick again. You miss a lot."

"Hopefully," said Remus, smiling. "Look, I'll be upstairs."

"Okay," said Peter.

James watched Remus walk up the stairs, and then he shook his head at the others. "You let him get away with too much."

"James, just leave him be," said Sirius.

Sirius and Peter did not understand why James was so obsessed with Remus' life. If Remus' mother was sick, they were willing to accept that. If he were lying too them, what did it matter? He had a secret, they weren't friends…it probably wasn't their business.

James, however, did not quite see it that way. "Look, you don't believe him, do you?" he asked.

"Not entirely," said Sirius. "I just don't see why it matters to you."

James shrugged. "Fine. I'll bother him alone."

"James…"

There was no stopping James when he was on a mission. "Should we follow him?" asked Peter unsurely.

"Uh, I don't know," said Sirius. "Okay. Let's go."

Sirius and Peter reluctantly went upstairs to their dormitory. When they opened the door, they were immediately dragged into the argument without their consent. It was almost as if James knew they would soon come to his aid.

"—even they don't believe you!"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"You missed dinner," said James.

"I ate at home. Thanks for your concern."

The relationship between Remus and James had only gotten worse after the first week of school. By the end of November, it seemed that James would do anything to get Remus to talk, and Remus would do anything to avoid him. James' plan was working a little better. Avoiding a person is harder when you're forced to share a room with him.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Why do you _care_?" asked Remus.

Unless Sirius was mistaken, Remus looked almost hurt by James' attention.

"Let's go back downstairs," said Sirius, guiding James to the door.

At first, it was only James that could control Sirius, but Sirius eventually learned how to switch that around.

"But…I—" James complained.

"Evans, James! Let's go find her!"

James quickly agreed, and Peter followed them obediently.

James had gone a little mad. For two full weeks, he did nothing but search for a reason to Remus' problem. Instead of paying attention to the teachers during classes, he would carefully watch Remus' behavior.

"This is ridiculous," whispered Sirius.

Peter nodded. "He's like obsessed with him," he whispered in return.

James was taking notes, not on Transfiguring pots, but on Remus.

"McGonagall's going to regret pairing them up," said Sirius, laughing.

Remus and James were not speaking, but it was obvious that Remus knew James was staring at him, checking to see if he was doing anything that might give away his secrets.

"I like Evans," said James abruptly.

"What?"

"There's my secret," said James, determined to get Remus to see it his way.

"Oh, please," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Some secret."

"So, you **do **have one?"

Remus blinked. "You are unbelievable. Really."

"Mr. Lupin, is there a problem?" asked Professor McGonagall.

Remus sighed. "No."

Remus whispered," I'm so tired of your getting me in trouble for everything you do."

Miraculously, James decided to leave Remus alone for the rest of the class, but he still turned around every few minutes to tell Sirius something that was worth noting, ("he's ambidextrous!" So far, however, neither James nor Sirius saw anything that would explain his frequent absence from school.

Needless to say, by the end of class, James was distressed.

James let Remus leave before him, and then he turned to Sirius and Peter. "Any ideas?"

"Come on," said Sirius, gently pushing him towards the door. James took the hint, but he continued to talk during their walk to Charms.

"He's so stubborn," James complained. "It's not like it would hurt him to tell me."

"Not like it would hurt you to give up," said Peter.

"Very true," said Sirius.

But Sirius had gotten to know James enough to realize that, even if he didn't fully understand why, it did hurt James to give up on something. To him, it was considered a sin not to win something.

Sirius quickly tried to change the subject. "So, when were you going to tell me you liked Lily Evans?" asked Sirius.

"I don't," said James, pushing open to the door to Flitwick's classroom.

"That's what you told Remus," said Sirius.

Peter separated himself from them to go to his assigned seat, and James and Sirius went to take their own.

"Well, I thought it would help me get information on Remus," said James.

"You like her," said Sirius teasingly.

"Do not," said James.

"Do too," said Sirius, smirking.

"Excuse me," said James, "but this is a class, and I'd like to learn."

Sirius laughed. "Likely story."

……………………………………………………………………………………

After class, James dragged Sirius to the library, insisting he had an idea.

"James, wait," said Sirius, stopping James from opening the door. "I'm going to ask you this one last time: why can't we just let the boy have a secret?"

James sighed impatiently. "We just can't."

"Not a reason," said Sirius. "Look, would you just—"

"Trust me," said James, pushing his hand away from the doorknob. Sirius followed submissively. What else could he do?

James threw his books down onto a table unceremoniously. He then rushed off to visit shelves. Sirius watched him grab book after book, and he finally asked what, exactly, James was looking for.

James shrugged. "I've read a lot of these, but I've obviously never sat down to read a book about—" he read the title of the next one he had grabbed, "—Wizarding Maladies."

Personally, Sirius thought Remus' illness was a lot less severe than James' obsession with it. He had never seen someone so determined on figuring out one tiny aspect of a person that he was not even friendly with.

"Can you take some of these?"

Sirius laughed. James had so many books that Sirius could no longer his face. "Yeah," he said, grabbing a few off the top.

The both of them carried the books over to their table, and James immediately got to work, flipping through pages and reading passages. Sirius wasn't sure he had any idea what he was looking for.

Sirius did not want to sit there and watch the madness, so he volunteered to go and find more information.

Sirius aimlessly wandered through aisles. He wondered how long he could go without being caught by James.

"Oh!"

Sirius had not been paying attention. "I'm sorry," he said.

Lily Evans stood before him for a moment, smiling shyly before leaning down to pick up her books.

Sirius felt he had to say something. "I'm Sirius," he said, holding out his hand.

"Yes, I know," said Lily. "We have met, you know, in the past three months…and I'd shake your hand, but I'm holding books."

"I'm bad at officially meeting people," said Sirius, chuckling.

"Ah," said Lily. "I'm probably worse."

Neither one of them said anything for a while. "So," said Lily, possibly to break the awkwardness, "what are you and…uh…James here for? Library doesn't seem your thing."

"Oh," said Sirius, leaning against the shelves. "He's neurotic."

Lily giggled. "That didn't answer my question, but I'm sure it's true."

Sirius could hardly see James from where they were standing, and he hoped James could not see him. He was supposed to be searching, but instead, he was socializing.

"His heart is in the right place…I think."

Lily laughed again. "I thought he was your friend."

"Oh, he is," said Sirius quickly. Had he said something to suggest otherwise? Maybe he wasn't good at this new friendship thing. "He is my friend…"

"Relax," said Lily. "I was just kidding."

"I'm—I'm going to go," said Sirius.

"Okay," said Lily. "Nice talking to you."

"And you," he said, getting out of the aisle.

Sirius walked over to where James was. There was a girl sitting next to him that Sirius did not recognize. Her light brown hair was in two long braids. She had light brown eyes. And Sirius could tell she was pretty, even though she looked angry.

As he got closer, he realized that she and James were in an argument, but he was too close to back away inconspicuously. Luckily, they didn't seem to notice him.

"Well, I don't have the patience for this, James," said the girl.

"Whatever," said James, rolling his eyes.

"You act like it's no big deal, but I know it's hurting you, and—"

"It is a big deal," said James, "but it's done."

"You're not done with it."

"Go _away,"_ he said.

"I'm serious," she said, sounding agitated. "You know what? Don't listen to me."

"I won't," said James.

The girl left in a bad mood.

"Hi," said Sirius slowly.

"Hi," said James. "I think I may be getting somewhere…"

"Sure," said Sirius. "Give up?"

"No way," said James. "I'll just take these with me."

Sirius walked up to the checkout desk with James. "Was that your sister?" he asked.

"Yeah," said James, slipping his hands in the pockets of his robes while Madam Pince checked out his books.

"Were you fighting?" asked Sirius, feeling stupid. Of course, they were fighting. It was pretty obvious.

"Yeah," said James again. "Thanks," he said to the library, grabbing half the books; Sirius took the other half.

"So, what was your conversation with Evans all about?" James asked, as they were leaving the library.

"You…oh, jeez," said Sirius. "Truthfully, we talked about nothing."

"Maybe a little bit," said James.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Maybe," said James, lowering his voice, "I like her…a little bit."

"Oooh," said Sirius. "I think she knows."

"Is that what you two talked about?" James asked worriedly.

"No," said Sirius. "Okay, so this is a pretty weird question, but it's one I've been dying to ask since I met you."

"Okay," said James slowly. "Watch it!"

Sirius reached up to grab the handrail with one hand, dropping his books. "I hate these stairs."

"Seriously," said James. He put down his books and held out his hand for Sirius to take, considering his foot was stuck in the trick step.

Sirius allowed James to help him up, and he bent down to grab his own pile of books.

"So?"

"What?" asked Sirius.

Subconsciously, he rubbed his scar, remembering the strange feeling he had gotten when James had touched it the last time. Now, he had to deal with that same…odd feeling in his hand. What were they talking about? He couldn't remember.

James looked at him expectantly.

"Your question…?"

"Ohhh," said Sirius. "It's going to sound pretty dumb."

"Sirius."

"Are you always happy?" he asked.

James considered the question for a minute, as if trying to see if Sirius had really asked it.

"Believe it or not," he said, "I get that a lot."

"Oh," said Sirius. He didn't feel quite as stupid if other people had already asked James the same question.

James smiled. "Of course not. No one can be happy all the time."

But, for some reason, this answer frustrated Sirius. "You _are, _though."

"I'm not," said James. "I am happy a lot, though. I'll give you that."

"Mhmm," said Sirius, watching James from the corner of his eye to see that he was still smiling. "You have some secret?"

"As to why I smile a lot, you mean?" asked James, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," said Sirius.

"Sorriso," said James to the Fat Lady.

"I think it might be because you _never _smile," said James, stepping through the portrait hole. "Therefore, you're not used to it, and it just looks like I do it a lot."

"But…I don't feel that way about Remus," said Sirius.

"He doesn't smile a lot either," said James, laughing.

"Peter?"

"No," said James slowly. 'Talk to some other people; maybe you'll find another as annoyingly smiley as me."

"Doubt it," said Sirius. "Upstairs?"

"Sure," said James.

When they got to their room, they saw that Remus was on his bed, looking out the window. He didn't make a move when they entered.

"Hi," he said.

Sirius was stunned. It was the first time Remus had ever greeted them without being forced. Were they making progress with him?

"Hello, Remus," said James, walking closer to his bed. "What's up?"

Remus turned away from the window. "What's with the books?"

"Oh," said James, tossing them onto his own bed. "For my sister."

Sirius had noticed that James was able to get away with almost any suspicious item by saying he was doing it for one of his sisters. Even if he didn't like them so much, they were beneficial for that reason.

"Oh," said Remus, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Sirius then realized that Remus wasn't being hostile because he didn't have the energy to be; he looked miserable.

"Are you okay?" James asked. For once, as Sirius was happy to see, he seemed to be ignoring that part in him that wanted to beg for Remus' secret.

"Yeah," said Remus.

"Your dad write back to you yet?" asked Sirius, seeing the letter on Remus' nightstand.

They had heard Remus complaining to Peter a few times during the week about how his father was taking forever to answer a simple letter. Since then, they had both been curious to know what was taking the man so long.

"Oh. Yeah."

James cautiously sat down on the end of Remus' bed, afraid to be pushed away. "This…isn't so easy for me to say," said James.

Remus waited patiently.

"I'm sorry…for being," he hesitated again, "pushy or whatever. It's kind of in my nature to know everything."

"I'm sorry, too," said Sirius.

James laughed. "What for? You never asked."

"But I still wanted to know."

Remus laughed weakly, but still looked rather upset. "Please don't say that."

"What? Sorry?"

"Yes," said Remus.

James and Sirius exchanged looks. James motioned for Sirius to sit down with him.

"Why is it that you don't me to apologize? Should I continue to harass you?" asked James.

"If you apologize, I'd have to forgive you," said Remus.

"Well, you wouldn't have to," said Sirius jokingly. "You could just hold a grudge forever."

Remus did not take it as a joke. "I don't want to hold a grudge. I just don't—I don't need a friendship, okay?"

"Okay," said James calmly.

"I don't have time for friends," said Remus.

"Okay," repeated James.

"I mean, I care very much about my school work," said Remus. It sounded as if he had to convince himself, more than James and Sirius, that all of this was really true.

"I'm sure you do," said James. "Of course, it's not like being friends or…very good acquaintances, has a contract, and you're also still allowed to do your work."

Remus sighed. "I like being alone."

"Oh, believe me," said James, "I understand that. With a family like mine, it's very hard to get a minute, but I don't _always _like to be alone."

"I do," said Remus defiantly.

"Okay," said James, throwing his hands in the air. "You know, I'm a damn good friend, aren't I?" he asked Sirius.

Sirius wasn't sure whether or not to laugh. "Uh, yes."

"See? Well, you just don't know what you're missing."

Remus looked as if he was having the same dilemma as Remus, wondering whether or not to laugh.

"I just don't do friends, okay?"

"Okay, are you okay with the idea of talking with us on occasion—during your free time, mind you—and maybe, also on occasion, doing your homework _with _us, as opposed to far away from us?"

"Maybe," said Remus, looking down at his knees. "Don't mock me; I'm serious."

"Not mocking," said James. "You can 'do' that?"

Remus sighed, looked away, and nodded.

"Thank you," said James, smiling.

"So, what's got you so depressed?" asked Sirius.

"No," said Remus. "No, that's what I mean—you don't get to ask things like that because we are _not _friends."

"Okay," James interjected quickly. "Don't kill us, Remus. We come in peace."

Remus laid his chin on his knee, glancing back at the letter on his night table. "My dad's a jackass."

"There, see?" said Sirius. "Already, we have something in common."

Author's Note: I hope you liked it. :) Please review! I really really need them. Today wasn't a good day. :( Therefore, I need to be assured that I still have faithful readers. Oh, and while I'm here…I don't know if I have any All You Wanted readers here, but I'd like to have a little poll: Should I update All You Wanted first or start my new story? Answer in a review, please.


	4. So Much Confusion

Author's Note: I've got some wacky thing going on with one of my fingers, so it's hard to type. Please review!!

Remus Lupin was sad to say that he was slowly becoming attached to the boys he shared a room with. He vowed he would never let that happen, but it seemed he was breaking his promise, and the longer he stayed with them, the more difficult it became to keep his secret.

James was the most difficult because he was so interested in knowing everything about a person. He was a truly kind-hearted boy, and all he knew in life was helping people. Unfortunately, he did not understand when it was better for him to stay out of it.

"You don't look good."

James also had a tendency to be completely blunt.

"Thanks," said Remus, looking away as James sat down across from him.

Remus had been trying to eat a bowl of cereal for a quarter of an hour, but his stomach just wouldn't have it. He knew the full moon was approaching, but his stomach pains were mostly caused by nerves. He was not sure how he would be able to hide it from his—dare he even think it—friends.

"Are you going to be sick?" James asked.

Remus stood up from the table and left the Great Hall without answering him. Sighing, James did him the favor of eating the rest of his food.

Remus made a very tough decision to skip classes for the day. It was not only risky because of all the work he would miss. He also had to worry about what James would think and say, but he couldn't go. He was at risk of passing out in the middle of a lesson, which probably would not be too good.

Sirius was trying to concentrate on brewing his damn potion, but James continued to interrupt.

"So, it's definitely an illness."

"Yes, James," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"You want to be careful with that, Mr. Black," said Professor Slughorn, chuckling.

Sirius looked closely at the jar in his hand, seeing that James had given him the wrong one.

"You're an idiot," said Sirius, grabbing the jar of black beetles next to the spot where the previous jar had been. "You need to focus on something other than Remus."

Sirius picked out the right amount from the new jar to place in his cauldron.

"I am focusing on other things," said James.

Sirius did not have to look up from the ingredients to know that James was staring at Lily. He rolled his eyes. "You'll have more luck becoming her friend," said Sirius, "if you don't kick her chair."

James looked offended. "What?"

"You—"

"Shh," said James. "Listen, I'm going to interrogate Remus after Transfiguration. "Are you sure that's enough of those?"

"Yes," said Sirius.

James shook his head, dropping another beetle in for good luck. "I think that should improve the color."

Sirius sighed. "Well, I'm going to fail now," he said. After all that work…"

James looked skeptical. "What are you talking about?"

The potion suddenly turned blue.

"It's bubbling," said James.

Without warning (according to James; Sirius thought that bubbling had been a pretty good warning sign), the potion blew up in their faces.

James wiped his glasses on his shirt, grinning uneasily. "Well, look on the bright side. Mine's fine. I'll probably leave out the spice of the extra beetle."

"Good plan."

"You left me without a partner in Transfiguration!"

"Sorry," said Remus.

James sat down on his bed, pulling his shoes off. He smiled. "I'm only kidding. Are you feeling better?"

Remus tried to sit up straighter. "Not really," he said honestly.

"Where are Sirius and Peter?"

"Peter's talking to Flitwick about his last test, and Sirius got pulled over by Slughorn."

"And you abandoned him?"

"I had no choice," said James.

James took out his Charms book. "I have to do this, and I was paying no attention in this class."

Remus laughed. "You should—" He took a deep breath. "Never mind."

James looked up from his homework. "Are you sure you're doing okay? You're so pale."

"I'm always pale," said Remus.

James chuckled. "True."

James went back to working on his Charms, and Remus tried to rest, but he should have known that just because James was working on home, it didn't mean the conversation was over.

"Remus, I was wondering if you might like to spend the Christmas break at my house. I mean, I understand if your family wants to be with you, but I thought I'd ask."

Remus looked back at James. He was not looking at Remus, however. He was copying things from his textbook onto a piece of parchment.

Did James really want him as a friend this badly? Remus had thought that it was merely a friendship made to keep peace in the dormitory and in Transfiguration, but James clearly considered him a good friend.

The thought scared Remus a little bit. He had promised himself that he would not be enticed into a friendship. He was lucky enough to have the opportunity to attend school with other students. Did he have to ruin his school life by giving his friendship to someone who would reject him, then tell the whole world about his secret. Remus felt ominously close to betraying his vow.

Peter disturbed Remus' thoughts by walking into the room at that moment.

"Hey," he said. "Sirius not back yet?"

James shook his head. "I'd like to extend my offer to you, Peter. Want to come to my house for the holiday?"

Peter's answer seemed to require little or no thought. "Yeah," he said. "I'll write my parents now."

Peter scurried to open his night table drawer for quills and parchment.

Remus decided that if his friends were going to abandon him eventually, he would have to live his life with them while he could.

"I would like to go. I'm just not sure my dad will be okay with it. I don't live with him, so our time together is limited."

James nodded understandingly. "My parents are together, but my dad's a workaholic, so I don't see him much."

James looked away. "So, you'll try to come?"

"Yes," said Remus. "Now, _you _look pale."

"Yeah," said James, rubbing the back of his next. "I'm fine."

At the risk of being bothered again about his own problems, Remus decided to just keep his mouth shut.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh, DON'T even pretend you understand!"

Sirius stopped in his tracks, hearing two students arguing around the corner from him. Perhaps they would be done quickly.

"I don't. I don't care. How long does it take a person to pick up and move on?"

Sirius couldn't deny that he was nosy, and he wanted to know what they were talking about, but he knew they would either stop talking or attack him if he dared to cross their path.

The girl sounded tearful. "I am trying. It's not that easy, okay?"

The boy just sounded irritated. "Well, I'm trying to help, but I have a lot going on in my life right now."

What a selfish jerk. Sirius didn't care who they were. Assuming he was the boyfriend, Sirius knew the guy should not have been treating his girlfriend that way.

"And I don't?"

Sirius couldn't help himself. He took a quick peek at the couple, and then he turned back. He recognized the girl immediately. She was the girl James had pointed to in the Great Hall the first night of school—his sister. Sirius could now see why James did not like her boyfriend.

"Look, I get it."

"Do you?"

"It's been six months, okay?" said the boyfriend. "I just—"

"Let go of me."

Though Sirius could not see it, he must have grabbed her…or she had tried to walk away from him…or something. He wished he could watch invisibly.

"And what's with your obsession with your brother now? Think he can't take care of himself?"

"I'm worried about him," she said, beginning to cry.

"He's a big boy. I think he can handle it without you sending him notes."

"I can't send my brother notes?"

"Ciara, I'm getting a little tired of you."

"Then, walk away!"

There was a moment of complete silence. Sirius had almost thought the two of them had dropped dead, and then he heard a loud slap.

"Don't ever speak to me that way."

Sirius was sure he knew what happened. Still, he had no proof. The boy had clearly looked around to make sure no one was around before he _hit _his girlfriend.

Soon enough, the couple walked away. Unfortunately, they left together. As soon as they were gone, Sirius continued his walk back to the common room.

When he arrived, he saw Lily Evans sitting alone with a book in her hand. Bypassing the other insignificant students, he made his way over to her.

"Hey, Lily."

Lily looked up from her book. "Oh, hi."

Sirius cleared his throat. "Can—can I call you that? Are we…are we like on those terms?"

Lily raised her eyebrow. "You can call me Lily," she said, laughing.

"Oh, okay," said Sirius, relieved. "I was wondering if I could interrupt you for something."

Lily put her book down on the table. "Absolutely."

"Okay," he said slowly. "Suppose I was eavesdropping, and I heard an argument…and I think I may have heard this guy slap his girlfriend…I mean, I don't _know,_ and I have no proof. And, I mean…maybe this…was an accident."

"You can't accidentally hit someone," said Lily.

"Well…you know. I just…maybe I should keep it to myself, right? Like, I don't even know them."

"Hmm," said Lily. "That's kind of hard because…what can you really say?"

"Exactly."

"And you said you don't know either one of them?"

"Well…not directly…" Sirius was beginning to wish he hadn't started the conversation.

"Sirius," Lily said sternly, "tell me who it is."

Sirius collapsed in the chair across from her. It was very difficult to disobey Lily.

"James' sister."

Lily grimaced. "I think you're going to have to tell him."

Sirius had been afraid of that. He laid his forehead on the table with a groan. "I wish I knew nothing."

"You decided to eavesdrop," said Lily, sounding only somewhat sympathetic.

Sirius picked his head up from the table, pushing his dark hair out of his face. "James gets kind of weird…when he's mad. Like, he's always smiling, right? When he gets mad, you can hardly tell. It's more like he freezes, and then he goes back to normal. I don't like seeing it."

"Believe me. You would rather see James angry than see me angry, so don't hide this from him," said Lily, using her demanding tone again.

"Yes, ma'am," he said.

"Does James," said Lily, looking thoughtful, "ever mention his parents?"

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Why?"

Lily looked up at the staircase nervously, and she motioned for Sirius to come closer. "I hate gossiping like this, but…okay. I talk to his sister Mercedes at lunch sometimes."

"Okay…" said Sirius slowly.

"And she is _obsessed _with knowing anything and everything about my parents and Alice's parents, Gabriella's…it's crazy."

"Mhmm," said Sirius, now a tad bit more interested.

"Well," she glanced around nervously again, "she always says things are really rough around their house since about six months ago. Their mother is always—always working."

"James says his dad is working all the time too," said Sirius. "That's not so weird."

"She's completely against the topic of her dad, though. It's like he's a major taboo."

Sirius shook his head. "James is the total opposite. Everything is 'my dad this' and 'my dad that.' He practically worships the guy."

Lily sighed. "That's why I'm so curious, Sirius. May I call you Sirius?"

Sirius knew she was making fun of him, so he rolled his eyes and didn't bother to answer.

She went on. "I'm curious because their stories don't seem to mesh. According to James, his dad got some huge promotion, right? According to Mercedes, their dad is out of work."

"Weird," said Sirius.

"I know," said Lily. "Well, that's enough discussion about this for me."

"Yeah," said Sirius, feeling bad for talking about James behind his back. He got up from the chair. "Lily, I have to ask you."

"Hmm?"

"Do you hate him?" he asked.

"James?" Sirius nodded. "Hate is a very strong word. He just…annoys me purposely, all the time, and I don't know why. I never did anything to him."

Sirius decided not to hurt his friendship with James further by spilling the secret of his crush on her, so he shrugged.

"See you later," he said.

Sirius took his time walking up the stairs, deep in thought. Was it possible James had been lying to them? Besides the fact that he may have lied, why would he have lied about something so stupid? Still, his sister could have been lying too. Who was to say James was wrong? That was probably it. Sirius trusted James.

Sirius opened the door to his room.

The first thing Sirius noticed was Frank was missing again. "Hey," he said, announcing his presence. "Where's Frank?"

Remus chuckled. "Stocking up on food for me. James said I looked malnourished."

"You are sick, my friend," said James, smiling up at Sirius in the doorway. "What kept you so long?"

"Oh, you know Slughorn," said Sirius, walking over to his bed.

"Why'd he want to talk to you, Sirius?" asked Remus.

"James decided to ruin my potion this morning," said Sirius, glaring in his direction.

James smiled guiltily, closing his textbook. "I'm sorry."

Sirius shrugged. "He knows you did it, and he spent ten minutes praising my abilities, knowing that you had to have screwed it up."

James threw a pillow at him. "You know what, I was going to ask you to come stay with me over Christmas, but if you want to tell the world how much I suck…"

Sirius' eyes widened. He wouldn't have to go home or stay alone at school? Maybe he would even be able to find out the mystery of James' dad…but if there really were a mystery to discover, would James want them all over at his house?

"No need to look shocked," said James.

"Oh," said Sirius, coming back to reality. "Yeah, I'd love to go, and my parents will be happy to hear they'll only be dealing with one son…my dad, especially."

Sirius had thrown in the 'dad' comment, hoping James would show some sort of expression that would prove something was up, but James just smiled wider.

"So, you'll be able to?"

"Yeah," said Sirius, trying to hide his disappointment with James' lack of reaction.

"Great!"

"Your parents must be crazy busy, James," said Peter. "I mean, nine kids, and now they're taking in three more?"

"Just four of us officially live there," said James. "Two are married with their own kids, two are just out there in the business world, and one shows up almost every night. My mum can handle it."

"We are pretty unmanageable," said Sirius, grinning. He threw the pillow back at James. The thought of spending Christmas with the Potters was sounding better and better, and the bad thoughts from earlier on seemed to be disappearing.

"Nah," he said. "We're not that bad."

Frank returned with food spilling out of his arms. "I grabbed all I could."

"Yes!" said Sirius, lunging for it.

James grabbed some too, and he threw a few cauldron cakes at Remus. "Don't pass out."

"I'm fine," said Remus, laughing at James' concern.

Sirius sat down on the floor with James and Peter, occasionally grabbing some more food to eat or throw to Remus. He found himself staring, and he knew James noticed.

"What?" he asked, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"Nothing," said Sirius, looking down at the pile of food that sat before them. "So, Frank, tell me about your parents?"

He felt very stupid, but ever since Lily had mentioned the weird confusion about James' family, he had gotten it stuck within his mind that he _had _to know. He was James' friend, after all. That was fair, wasn't it?

"Umm…" Frank looked rather confused. "They're nice people."

"Remus?"

Remus, too, looked bewildered. "Uh…mine are fine."

"What about you, James?" Sirius asked.

"Mine are fine as well," said James. "Okay, I haven't had a chocolate frog in like forever."

James grabbed one from the pile, delighted. He didn't look any unhappier than he had before Sirius forced him to answer a very stupidly planned question.

Then, he whispered, "I'm not a liar."

Before Sirius could respond, James had resumed the chocolate frog discussion with Remus.

No matter how sincere James sounded, Sirius didn't believe him. Hopefully, this tiny new obsession wouldn't turn out like James' own obsession with Remus' illness.

Author's Note: Pleeeease review!


	5. Not a Girl

Author's Note: Here is _Just Passing Through._ Please enjoy. And I'm not sure, but I think this chapter is more fun if you read _Sick_ lol. Okay, so here's the deal. This chapter was very complicated to write. It's less of a chapter…more of separated scenes. You'll see what I mean when you read it. Some people may like it more than a normal chapter. Some people may not. It's…different, you know? That's all I can really say. Now, this was also a hard one to write because the fun stuff really begins _next _chapter, and from now on, it'll jump month to month, year to year because, like I said at the beginning, it's not like a normal story. It won't flow from moment to moment. Know what I mean? Enjoy. Please review. Oh, and another thing. Most of you know that I'm against putting lines to separate scenes because I feel it takes away from the story, but for this time and this time only, I will do that. This chapter wouldn't be good without them. :)

"A werewolf."

"A werewolf?"

"A werewolf."

Peter and Sirius looked at James skeptically.

"Look," said James, "it all fits."

"I'm looking," said Sirius, "and I'm not seeing."

"Remus can't be a werewolf…" said Peter softly. "He's too quiet."

James sighed. "I don't think that really matters. Look," he said, pulling them in closer, "Remus happens to leave for a few days every month. He gets sick, moody, and he abandons us."

"But that doesn't necessarily mean—"

"Don't believe me," James interrupted Sirius, shrugging. "All I have left to do it ask him about it."

James sped up the stairs without offering them time to stop him.

Peter and Sirius exchanged a look. "This may not be good," said Peter.

"Let's go," said Sirius, following James upstairs.

Remus was relaxing on his bed, reading a good, calming book when James burst into the room, followed by the other two idiots.

"Where's Frank?" James asked immediately.

"With Lily," said Remus slowly, lowering the book. "Why?"

James grinned, leaping onto his own bed. "I've got a question for you, Remmie."

"Don't," said Remus half-heartedly, rolling his eyes. "I refuse to respond to that name."

Sirius snorted. "Like James cares."

James turned around to glare at Sirius. "Anyway," he said to Remus, "I have a question."

"I'm listening," said Remus, sitting up straight.

"He wanted to ask if you'd be in class tomorrow," said Sirius.

James glared again at Sirius. "What is your problem?"

Sirius stepped further into the room and sighed. "Okay, fine. James has this crazy idea that you're a werewolf." He rolled his eyes to show Remus how stupid he thought he was.

Remus chuckled weakly. He looked at James. "Me? A werewolf? Please."

James shrugged, unabashed. "Well, I know you have something. I just don't know what you could have that would humiliate you so much."

"Well," said Remus, "I have my secrets, but I am not a werewolf."

James' grin didn't fade. "Are you offering me a challenge?"

Remus rolled his eyes, raising his book again. "Whatever you say, Potter."

"If you'd just admit it, you wouldn't have to go through the trouble of my stalking you."

"I'll be taking him away from you now," said Sirius.

"Thank you," Remus replied distracted by his reading.

Sirius pulled James up by the wrist, leading him out of the room. Peter followed, shutting the door behind them.

"I don't know why you're so obsessed with him, but enough is enough. Accusing him of being a werewolf? That's insulting."

"Well, it shouldn't be offensive," said James, crossing his arms.

When they got down the stairs, James sat down moodily in a chair by the fireplace. "He shouldn't be embarrassed about it."

"Do you ever accept defeat?" said Sirius somewhat admiringly. "Just admit you're wrong, okay?"

"I'm not," said James stubbornly. "Tomorrow night, I'll follow him wherever he goes, and you'll come with me."

"I—" Sirius would have argued, but he had learned that trying to resist James was futile.

Peter sat down on the floor next to them. "I agree with Sirius. Remus can't be a werewolf," he whispered.

"Whatever you say," said James, repeating Remus' phrase. "I'm going to prove it."

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sirius watched James out of the corner of his eyes, silently observing him.

James had a lot of interesting characteristics that Sirius had yet to see in another Hogwarts student. For example, he had read almost every book in his home library before he was nine. Yes, he had a _home _library, probably twice the size of the school's. He was a very speedy reader, and even after he had found his theory or Remus' lycanthropy, he continued to read the whole book he had found it in just for fun.

James also had a strange fascination with time. It wasn't a problem, of course, but Sirius didn't understand it. He would finish his homework…and then he would record the time. If he woke up in the middle of the night, he would write down what time it was. Even when he, Sirius, and Peter were enjoying themselves, perhaps relaxing outside, he would write down the time they were done. It was sort of frightening and extremely neurotic.

Then, there was the sister thing that came alone with James.

"You want the rest of my pie?" asked Sirius.

James ran his hand through his hair, staring down the table at Lily.

"No," he said.

Sirius pushed the plate away from himself. James seemed to get along very well with Mercedes except when she became protective. He avoided his other sisters, however, as if each and every one of them had the plague. He didn't even like to speak of them. Sirius could not understand why because they seemed just as nice as Mercedes was, and they seemed to treat James reasonably…as far as siblings go. Again, that didn't bother Sirius because it wasn't really his business.

The only thing that Sirius really had a problem with was that James hated secrets above all things, but he was quite hypocritical when it came to them. James was nosy, rude, and obsessed with knowing every little detail about people that they didn't feel comfortable giving out. The irritating part: James was probably the most secretive person Sirius had ever met. It was insane.

"Hey."

Sirius looked up to see Remus sitting down across from him. James didn't notice any disturbance, his eyes still glued on Lily sipping her pumpkin juice.

"Hi," said Sirius. "Can I apologize for James?"

Remus smiled, but he looked away from him. "There's no need."

"He is just very open about things," said Sirius. For some reason, he felt it was his job to explain James' actions if he did not do it himself. "He likes to help people, but he doesn't always go about it in the best way."

Remus finally turned back to him. "It's really okay," said Remus. "I'm not mad."

Sirius smiled. "Okay, James. Time to join us."

"She said hi to me today," said James dreamily.

"And he's not coming back to us, is he?" said Remus.

Sirius shook his head.

His friends certainly kept Sirius on his toes.

Since the night Sirius had confided in Lily the situation with James' sister that he had witnessed, he and Lily had become friends. It was mostly from a distance, but he and Lily had found a strong bond: trust and understanding in each other. The two had begun meeting once a week in the common. James still hadn't noticed, happy with the extra time to harass Remus or read.

"He's just a spoiled brat, really," said Sirius.

Lily was lying on her stomach in front of Sirius, listening to him and writing a Potions essay simultaneously.

"Mhmm," Lily replied. "That doesn't really mean they _love _him, though. Spoiling a kid with stuff is like telling him, 'I'll do anything if you leave me be.'"

"I know," said Sirius, sighing. "I don't really hate him…It's just frustrating because he has the potential to be…well, like my twin."

"My sister has the potential to be an even bigger pain in my arse than she already is," said Lily, "and I don't want her reaching that potential."

Lily pushed her hair behind her ears, reading a paragraph over in her head.

"So, I have a piece of advice for you to pass onto James," she said.

"What is it?" said Sirius, looking interested.

"Tell him not to talk to me when I'm with Severus," she said seriously. "He does not like James."

"I think the feeling is mutual, but I suppose in James' case, it's just jealousy."

"Jealously?" Lily furrowed her brow. "What would James be jealous of?"

Sirius was rather surprised to hear her say that. Surely, Lily wasn't oblivious to James' stares. She had to have noticed his stalking her. Snape obviously had.

"Umm," said Sirius, not wanting to spoil his friends' secret if it hadn't gotten to Lily yet. He looked down. "Well, Snape…I don't know. James is strange."

"Okay," said Lily, going back to her essay. "You might also pass on this. I'm tired of being stared at as if I'm some animal in a zoo."

Sirius laughed. He should have known she was aware.

"I will."

"Can I ask you something?"

James smiled, closing his book. "Absolutely," he said.

Sirius sat down on his bed, pulling his knees up to his chest. "When I go to your house, could we not mention my surname?"

James sighed. "Sirius, they won't care," said James. "Did my sisters care?"

"No. I know they won't…just…please."

James shrugged. "I guess."

Sirius continued to watch James closely after their short conversation was over. He seemed annoyed, and that bothered Sirius. What the hell did he have to be annoyed about? Sirius was embarrassed by his family. Remus was uncomfortable giving away his big secret. What was so terrible about that?

"You are so nosy," said Sirius.

It didn't have quite the reaction Sirius had been hoping for. James just smiled. "I know."

Getting a rise out of James wasn't an easy thing to do, so Sirius didn't push it further.

"Are you in, Peter?" James asked, grabbing the invisibility cloak from his trunk.

"I don't know," said Peter hesitantly. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Suit yourself," said James. "Come on, Sirius."

Sirius wasn't asked to give his opinion. James counted on him to be on his side, which, for the most part he was. The only thing they actually disagreed on was Remus.

They walked through the corridors quietly, sticking as close together as possible to keep the cloak over both of them.

"Where are we going?" Sirius whispered.

"Hospital wing," said James, trying not to step on Sirius' feet.

"I thought you didn't believe he was there," said Sirius.

"I'm going to have to prove that to you, though," said James.

Sirius didn't need James to prove it. He simply didn't _care. _All he wanted was to go back to their dormitory and forget about Remus.

"Whatever," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "Let's just be quiet."

They finally arrived at the door, leading to the hospital wing.

James pushed the door open, swearing softly when there was a creak. Luckily, Madam Pomfrey was too busy tending to a boy with a twisted arm to notice.

James, as quietly as he could, closed the door behind them.

There were only two people in the large room. James recognized one boy from their Potions class, but the other was a mystery. One thing was for sure: Remus was not there.

"Do you see him?" James asked.

Even though James was basically moving his lips without sound coming out, Sirius could tell that he was proud of being right.

Sirius still had a hard time believing that Remus was a werewolf, but there were so many signs that pointed to it. The only thing keeping Sirius from admitting that it had to be true was Remus' word. Then again, Remus had lied to them about where he was, so could his word really be trusted?

"Okay, supposing I believe you…how do we get him to admit it?"

"First of all, we let him know we won't hate him. Then, we tell him we have proof…well, sort of. Basically, we trap him."

"We're mean," said Sirius.

"Speak for yourself!" said James.

Sirius smiled, and James laughed.

There weren't many lights on in the castle so late at night, but with the few that were, Sirius could see James' face brighten when he laughed. "Wall," he whispered.

"What?"

Sirius had been so distracted that he did not notice he was guiding them straight into a wall. He backed up and sent them both to the floor, Sirius on top of James.

The invisibility cloak was still covering half of their bodies, and despite the fact that they could have gotten in trouble if one of the Prefects or Head students came around, James laughed again.

"Good thing that didn't happen in front of Madam Pomfrey, eh?"

Sirius nodded, remaining where he was.

"You want to just hang out here on the floor? See, I kind of like the idea of getting back to my room."

"Okay," said Sirius, getting up. He made sure not to even glance at James the entire way back to their room.

"Remus…"

James had forced Sirius and Peter to get up as early as possible to see if Remus had gone to the hospital wing. By six-thirty, they were walking into the room, careful not to disturb any of the sleepers.

They were not, however, prepared for the sight that met their eyes.

Remus' face was covered in bruises. He looked as though he had just gotten to sleep. He was still pale and ill looking, but worse than anything, there were strange lesions covering his arms.

James was the first to walk over to him, gently shaking him awake.

"Can't he let him sleep?" said Peter.

"That's not James' way."

"Good point." Peter agreed.

Remus groaned and rolled over, obviously not ready to be woken up.

"Remus, come on."

Reluctantly, Remus opened one eye. "Great," he said sarcastically.

James sat down on the end of the bed, hoping he didn't wake Madam Pomfrey. "Hey," he said.

"Hi," said Remus unenthusiastically, sitting up.

When he spoke, he spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. He didn't seem to have much energy for anything else. He pushed his bangs out of his face and tried to smile.

"Sorry," he said. "My throat hurts."

Sirius supposed he was apologizing for how low he was speaking, but he didn't see why.

"That's okay," said Sirius. Now that he saw James' head wasn't going to be ripped off, he decided to move closer to him as well.

"Remus, we know," said Sirius, surprising himself. Maybe he had taken a page out of James' book. "We know what's going on, and we don't want you to lie to us anymore."

"No, we don't," Peter denied. "We absolutely don't. You can lie all you want."

"Peter," said James, gesturing for him to join them by Remus. James then spoke with such compassion toward Remus, a compassion that Sirius had never heard before, let alone from James. "It doesn't bother us at all, Remus.

Remus closed his eyes, putting his head in his hands. "You say that now," said Remus, sounding as if he were on the verge of tears.

"Yes, I say that now. I say it now. I'll be saying it tomorrow. Next month. Next year…"

"No," said Remus, pulling his hands away. "Don't do that to me."

"Do what?" asked Peter obliviously.

"Don't make me trust you. People….former friends…have said that before," said Remus. "I know, from experience, that they don't mean it."

"I thought you don't do friends," said Peter, raising an eyebrow.

"And this is exactly why," said Remus. "Listen, I've built up a wall. Tell me now that you can't handle this. We can end whatever kind of friendship we have, and it'll save me a lot of pain in the end."

"Remus," said James slowly. "Don't be melodramatic, okay?"

"James, I'm serious. I spent a long time building up this wall, and I've already broken it."

"I can't believe someone would abandon you," said Sirius. "It's not your fault."

"Wait…so are you admitting it? You are a werewolf?" said Peter.

Remus nodded sadly.

"Well, that's kind of cool." Sirius and Remus looked at him, bewildered. "Well, I mean…it has its cool points."

Remus almost smiled. "Spoken like a true _non-_werewolf."

"Well, you know what. I really don't care what's happened in the past because I am not like other people," said James. "I'm not going to turn you away because you're different, and for Merlin's sake, haven't I shown you that I want you to trust me? I'm different."

Remus turned away from him. "If you wake Madam Pomfrey, she'll come out and start fussing over me."

James ignored him. "Remus, listen. I'll say this once. You can't hide anything from me. You can't even try. And…you shouldn't want to. Nothing offends me, nothing shocks me, and nothing scares me away."

"Trust me, I'm not scared away by much either," said Sirius. "My aunt and uncle kill people."

Remus laughed weakly.

"I'm not leaving either, Remus," said Peter.

"Don't be afraid to trust us," said James, smiling, seeing that Remus' wall was starting to crumble.

Remus didn't say anything about trusting their word. He cleared his throat and said softly, "Thank you."

And that was enough.

"What? Why are you mad at me?" James demanded, struggling to keep up with Sirius.

Remus and Peter lagged behind, uninterested in even attempting to find out what was going on between the two of them.

Sirius had been avoiding James for weeks, though not directly. They had spoken and laughed and terrorized teachers together.

But it was very obvious that Sirius would rather he didn't have to be around James.

"I'm not mad at you. Where did you get that idea?"

Remus thought that might have been true. He never showed any signs that he was actually _angry _with James. It seemed as if he were afraid of him.

James looked at him incredulously, grabbing his wrist to stop him. "Talk to me! Damnit!"

"Everything's fine, okay?"

Remus rolled his eyes. Since James and Sirius stopped walking, Remus and Peter were able to catch up.

"Might as well just tell us what it is," said Remus. "Or was all that stuff about 'not being scared away' crap? Are you being hypocritical?"

"Yeah, Remus tells us stuff and you don't?"

Sirius groaned.

This was _different. _This was not about being turned _away. _At least Remus knew what he was. Sirius thought he'd known.

But now he was terribly confused.

What was he supposed to say to his friends? He was mad because he fell on James when they were walking out of the hospital wing (spying on Remus, by the way), and then suddenly…Sirius got this odd feeling. Since then, he had been angry that he tripped because, if he didn't, he wouldn't be thinking so much about him.

Or…thinking about how he oddly wanted to be in that position again.

It was the stupid dreams that killed him.

"I'm really not mad, though," said Sirius desperately. "I'm not lying."

Perhaps he would just have to put up with James' company and hope that he didn't say anything stupid. He would have to just be better about hiding his emotions that begged him to avoid his friend.

James raised an eyebrow, looking hopeful. "You sure?"

"I've just been kind of stressed lately. I've got an angry mother to deal with."

James smiled. "You're coming home with me tomorrow, remember? Don't worry about the family."

Sirius tried to look happy as well. If he were in James' house, he'd be with him all the time… Was there no end?

"I don't understand," said James. "They're telling you that you can't come to my house, but you can't go to theirs?"

"That's right," said Sirius, his hand shaking slightly as he buttered his toast.

"That doesn't make sense."

"_They _don't make sense," said Sirius. "I'm sorry. I really wanted to come."

James rolled his eyes.

When Sirius first met James, he realized that James was, most of the time, very happy. As the weeks went by, he held onto that idea, but he noticed something else.

James didn't understand why the world did not revolve around him.

It wasn't that he was spoiled…not really. It was more that he got annoyed when Sirius made a point of saying something that went against James' belief, and Sirius didn't give into his stubbornness. What was worse: he expected that everybody lived the same way he did. It was almost as if he lived in a bubble, unaware that people in other places had _problems. _

Sirius wasn't sure James believed in those. Problems seemed to only exist in books for him.

So, James would easily get annoyed with a person if he went against what James wanted, but he'd get over it in a millisecond.

"Are you sure you can't convince them?" asked James.

Sirius was lying. His parents had never said anything of the sort—they didn't care where he went as long as he wasn't pronouncing that he was related to them. They didn't want to be given that shame.

James' reaction almost made him want to say, "_Oh, I probably can go. I can convince them that they're wrong. I'll let you know. Okay?" _But he couldn't. He needed some time to himself to figure things out. Spending time with James when he didn't want to would only make their friendship fall apart.

Yet…there was a part of him that _did _want to spend time with James. Very badly.

--

"You're very quiet today," said Lily.

Lily and Sirius were one of the few students who had decided to stay at Hogwarts during the Christmas Holiday. Lily could have gone home, and she had thought about it a great deal, but she finally decided she would give her sister some time to cool down.

Sirius didn't want to tell her that he didn't think her sister would cool down if she hadn't already. He assumed she knew that deep down, and he wouldn't be the one to wreck her fantasy world.

Sirius pushed his mashed potatoes around his plate, barely eating.

Lily was an extremely attractive girl, wasn't she? She had beautiful, wavy, red hair, ending just past her shoulders. Her eyes were a bright green that Sirius couldn't remember ever seeing on anyone else, and they sparkled magnificently when she was happy.

She was smart, kind, and became one of his best friends very quickly.

Surely, he was supposed to be imagining what it would be like to fall on top of _her._

Though…Sirius thought if he were to be imagining falling on top of her, he would probably be imagining other parts of her body, not including the hair and the eyes.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Obviously, he was simply not attracted to Lily. Who said he had to be interested in a girl, anyway? He was young, not even twelve yet. Not every guy had to have some sort of a crush on a girl so young, right? Maybe he was just a late bloomer. One day, he would find an interest in someone, and it would absolutely not be Lily.

"I'm fine," he said.

**And it wouldn't be James either.**

James was most certainly not a girl, and Sirius was most certainly not that kind of guy.

Author's Note: Okay, so like I said, the scenes were kind of weird, but I think it came out pretty nicely. How about you? Reviiiiiew, please. Next chapter is _fun _and crazy and twisted.


	6. Lots of Teenage Drama

**Author's Note: First of all, I made a slight change to the timeline. It won't affect this story, but if you have read Sick, then there's something that will happen in this story that is supposed to happen in second year, but it actually is going to happen in third. Most likely, only very few people would have noticed. I will make the change in Sick. Second of all, I would just like to make something very clear here. I have noticed that there are times when people review other people's stories, and they say things like:**

**"I think you meant James's. You said James'. That's wrong."**

**The proper way is James'. That's the way it goes in the English language. However, as with many things, the other way has also become acceptable. Just don't tell people they are wrong for being proper. Sorry…but that was bothering me.**

**Anyway, mentions of Sirius' homosexuality in this chapter. If you don't like it, it was nice while you were here. :)**

"Will—I was wondering if maybe you…do you…do you want to…Lily, will you go out with me?"

Sirius groaned. That sounded awful.

Sirius was an early bloomer. When most kids his age were playing, he was reading. When he was seven, he was not fooled by the ridiculous theory that girls had cooties. He had always characterized himself as the rebellious dreamer. From a very young age, he knew he was different, and he always wondered why.

But to say he was…no. It couldn't be true. He liked Lily.

As a thirteen-year-old boy, he assumed his hormones that would cause him to fall for a girl would kick in. They just hadn't yet. He decided to push them a little

Sirius still thought he may have liked Lily. He certainly thought about her enough. She was gorgeous. Gorgeous, brilliant, talented, sweet, and fun to be around. What more could he ask for? He had never liked a girl before, so he supposed maybe he just wouldn't know the feeling because he had nothing to compare it to. Yes, that was it. Eventually, he would fall for her, if not yet.

"Hey, Sirius," said James. "Talking to yourself?"

"Uh, yeah," said Sirius awkwardly. He knew James was over his crush on Lily. James had walked into their third year with a "moving on and liking it" attitude, and in the three months they had already been at school, he had done a pretty good job of moving on. He had already dated and dumped three girls, and he was not yet fourteen. Even though Sirius knew James was over Lily, the thought of saying he now had (maybe) feelings for her seemed strange…wrong.

"You okay, mate?"

"I'm fine," said Sirius. "Listen, I said I would meet Lily…"

"Go ahead," said James, waving a hand to dismiss him.

"I can do it. Lily is a good friend."

Sirius took a deep breath. He kept walking until he got to their meeting spot in the further corner from the portrait hole. There she was, looking just as radiant as usual.

Sirius stood in front of her. He didn't seem to be able to go down to her level. He was frozen.

"Sirius, is something wrong?" said Lily, getting up to stand with him.

Sirius sighed. He wasn't sure if he could do this. What if she said no? Would things be weird? Probably. _Okay. You have to do this. _

Before he had time to plan the words, they spilled out of his mouth. "Would you go out with me?"

Lily's eyes widened, and she blinked rapidly. Then, she said something Sirius had not been prepared for.

"I was so close to asking you. Patience pays off, I suppose."

"Oh," said Sirius, dumbfounded. "That's a yes?"

"Yes," said Lily, her eyes returning to normal. "I would love to."

Less than an hour later, Sirius was already beginning to regret his decision. He was having trouble concentrating in History of Magic (though that wasn't really abnormal for him or anyone else), and he could not look his best friend in the eye.

"So, I think James is asleep," said Remus.

He and Sirius spent the better part of twenty minutes poking and prodding their friend.

"I've figured that out," said Sirius, distracted.

"…and in the 1940s, we suffered from Martha Welken's awful mistake, dealing with the…"

Sirius rolled his eyes as time continued to go by slowly. In approximately twenty-nine hours, he would be on a date with Lily.

Lily Evans.

Sirius chewed on the end of his quill thoughtfully. He was nervous as hell. What was he supposed to do? Did she have expectations? Did she want him to kiss her?

More importantly, did he want to kiss her?

James had kissed girls. Sirius could ask him what to do, but he still had not worked up the courage to tell James about the date. He wasn't actually sure why he was hiding it. James was over Lily.

Remus turned his chair around again. "Make sure you tell him what he missed," he said sternly.

"Oh, of course," said Sirius, snorting. Like he knew what was being taught.

Other than the whole Lily aspect, Sirius was rather excited to be going on his first Hogsmeade trip. He had heard many tales from his cousins about the magical village. He was particularly looking forward to visiting Honeyduke's Sweet shop and Zonko's joke store. No matter where he decided to go, Sirius knew it would be better than Diagon Alley because his family would not be with him. He would have freedom.

Class was dismissed. Sirius began to wake his snoozing friend.

"How do I look?"

Remus looked Sirius over. Sirius was dressed in a silk black shirt and dark blue jeans. He had done without the robes, figuring Lily wouldn't be wearing them either if they were outside of Hogwarts.

"Fine," said Remus, shrugging.

"Remus, please," said Sirius.

Remus looked up from his book. "How long do you spend on your hair?" he asked.

"Remus!"

"Okay," he said. "Honestly, just relax. You going to tell us about the mystery date?"

Sirius sighed. "Promise you will tell no one?"

"I guess," said Remus.

Sirius looked around the room, despite the fact that he knew Remus was the only one there.

"Lily," he whispered.

Remus' confused frown turned into a small smile. "Why are you hiding it?"

"I don't know," said Sirius.

Which was sort of a lie. His decision not to tell people came from how guilty he felt. He didn't think he felt the way he was supposed to feel with the girl he was going on a date with. The truth of the matter was…he felt dirty.

"You're very lucky," said Remus. "Lily's great."

"I know," said Sirius.

Suddenly changing the subject, Sirius said, ""Where and when should I meet up with you guys?"

"Uh…James is on _his _date. Peter isn't coming because he's lost his permission form, and I don't even want to go if I'm alone."

"Perfect!" Sirius exclaimed. "Come with us!"

"Uh…no thanks. I don't need to stand around while you have your little date."

"It won't be awkward," said Sirius.

Remus eyed him curiously. "Why do you want me to go so bad? Lily isn't _that _violent."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Stay here and read. I don't care."

"I will do just that," said Remus, picking his book back up.

"Have fun," said Sirius.

Lily was truly a gift from heaven. She stood there in front of Sirius with her long and wavy red hair pulled up into a ponytail. One stray piece hung over her eyes. She had a little bit of make-up, which Sirius had never seen her wear before, around her gorgeous eyes. She was in a short black skirt and a turquoise blouse. Sirius realized he had never seen her outside of her uniform.

Lily broke eye contact with him, blushing slightly.

"So, where are we heading?" said Lily.

Sirius shook his head to bring himself back to the date. "Wherever you want," he said courteously.

They had gotten through the greeting by the carriages. The date was okay so far. Sirius told himself to relax.

Sirius walked the village with Lily with extreme anxiety. If anyone glanced his way, he would put a distance between himself and Lily. HE had no idea why. It thought it would be good for his image to be seen with Lily, but his conscience told him otherwise.

When they arrive outside of The Three Broomsticks, Lily stopped him.

"What's wrong?" she said.

"What?" Sirius played dumb. He reused to look her in the eye. "Nothing."

"Are you rethinking this?" she said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder.

Sirius pulled away from her. What was his problem? Next to James, Lily was his best friend. There was no reason to be so nervous.

Sirius took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm fine."

Lily nodded slowly, hesitant to believe him. "Let's go in," she said.

Sirius opened the door for Lily, slamming it on her knee.

Smooth, Black. How wonderfully smooth.

Lily winced, but she walked it off. "I'm okay," she said quickly.

Sirius nodded, rubbing his eyes. He was already making an awful prat of himself.

They sat down at a table by the window, and Sirius' hands were shaking.

A kind-looking young woman came to them just as soon as she had delivered drinks to another table. "What can I do for you?" she asked cheerfully.

"Have you ever had a butterbeer?" Lily asked.

"M—me? Yeah. Loads of times."

"So they're good?" said Lily, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius nodded. "Get one. I mean…don't…only if you _want _to. Do you want to get one? You don—"

"We'll have two butterbeers," said Lily. The woman nodded slowly, giving Sirius a strange look before she walked away.

Lily took a long, slow, deep breath. "I don't want to offend you or anything," she said, "but what the hell is wrong with you today?"

Sirius looked confused. "I'm fine."

"Are you nervous?" she asked.

"No," said Sirius.

Lily covered Sirius' trembling hand with her own steady one. "If you're not into this," she began, "I—"

"No," Sirius interrupted. "I am."

Lily shrugged, looking unconvinced. She took her hand away, placing it in her lap.

Sirius decided to pretend that it was not a date. He imagined that they were just two friends…drinking butterbeer, talking. And it worked. Sirius was able to calm down and stop thinking about what he was supposed to be saying and doing. He knew it did not matter; Lily didn't care.

But then another problem came up at the end of the "date." Sirius thought that she might have wanted him to kiss her. The carriages arrived at the school, and they were about to part ways because Sirius wanted to find James. If he was supposed to do it, he was supposed to do it in this moment.

Lily smiled when he took her hand, helping her out of the carriage.

"Well," she said, "I had a really good time."

"I—I did too," said Sirius, becoming nervous again.

Lily pushed away the strand of hair that had been bothering Sirius greatly, but it just felt right back in her face.

Sirius decided to just grit his teeth and do it. Once he got the hang of it, he would probably even enjoy it.

Sirius closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them, Lily was looking at him in a way that suggested she had no idea what to expect from him. Sirius thought that feeling was appropriate; he had no idea what to expect from himself.

Lily sighed. "Well, I guess I'll be on my way to the common room. James is probably waiting at the door for you."

It seemed that she had gotten the idea that she wasn't going to get what she wanted.

Sirius had to do it before she walked away. He had to just _do _it.

"Lily, wait," said Sirius.

Without giving himself a second to rethink it, Sirius leaned forward and pressed his lips against Lily's. Lily seemed shocked, but she did respond. She wrapped one arm around his neck and moved even closer to him.

Sirius pulled away after a few seconds, hoping that he had done it for a sufficient amount of time.

"I'll see you later," said Sirius, trying to smile.

He ran away from her before she had a chance to respond. When he found James waiting for him at the entrance to Hogwarts, he felt better than he had all day. The date and the kiss were over. Sirius was relieved.

"Hey," said James shortly. "Come on."

While they walked back to the common room, Sirius sent glances James' way. He seemed cold…distant, even a little angry.

"Bad date?" Sirius guessed.

"It was fine," said James, crossing his arms.

"Good," said Sirius slowly.

Sirius desperately wanted to know what was causing James' attitude change, but every fiber of his being told him not to ask. For once, he obeyed his gut and didn't ask.

Seeing James after his confusing date with Lily had been a great relief, but now he was feeling just as confused as before. It was very unlike James to remain sour about something for more than thirty seconds. Sirius was happy to reach the common room.

"So," said Sirius, biting his lip. He did not know what to say. "Are we going upstairs?"

James shrugged. "_You _can," said James bitterly. "I'd like to stay here."

"Okay," said Sirius. He wondered if he had done something. "See you."

James didn't answer. He threw himself down on the couch and took off his shoes. Sirius walked up the stairs, watching James for as long as he could.

Sirius came to one conclusion when he sat down on his bed. He liked James. He liked James a lot.

The thought was so strange and unexpected. Sirius had no idea what triggered it, but he wanted it to go away. He groaned, putting his head into his pillow.

No. Sirius was not gay. He was also not interested in his best friend. He liked Lily. He didn't like _kissing _her, but Sirius thought that might improve with practice. He was NOT gay.

But would it really be a surprise? Sirius wondered. Wouldn't it explain a hell of a lot?

Sirius groaned again into his pillow, wishing his conflicting thoughts would just disappear. Why did this have to happen to him? Wasn't his life screwed up enough already?

Sirius looked up when he heard the bathroom door open.

"Enjoy your day reading?" Sirius asked, hoping to sound normal.

Remus smiled. "Yes, I did," he said. "Tell me all about your date."

Sirius sighed. Twirling a piece of hair with one finger, he tried to smile. "We had fun," he said.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "That's the information I get? Did you kiss?" he asked enthusiastically.

"You sound like a ten-year-old girl," said Sirius.

Remus glared half-heartedly. "Come on."

Sirius sat up, holding the pillow to his chest. "Yes. We kissed. It was amazing," he lied.

"Really?" said Remus, his amber eyes twinkling with happiness for his friend.

The idea of Remus being so happy for Sirius almost made him feel bad for lying. Everything he did now made him feel useless and disgusting.

"Where's James?" said Remus. "Weren't you guys going to co—"

"I think he's mad at me," Sirius interrupted.

Which really sucked. If James happened to be angry with him (for no apparent reason), then it was going to make it even more difficult to behave normally around him.

"Why would he be?" said Remus. "That's dumb."

"Well, he's mad about _something," _said Sirius.

Before either one of them could say another word, the door was thrown open.

"Hi!" said James.

James had a very eerie smile on his face. One of his hands was clenched into a fist, and the other was running through his hair.

"Hey," said Remus. "Look, Sirius says that you seemed mad at him downstairs. Were you?"

"Oh, no," said James, ignoring Sirius' look of horror. "I was just incredibly pissed off at my sister. Now, however, my fury is definitely directed toward him."

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. "Why?"

James slammed the door behind him and moved further into the room.

"Well," said James, still wearing the strange smile, "I was just laying on the couch, trying to relax…and I heard some information. Lily and Alice were discussing Lily's _date _in Hogsmeade.

"Oh!" said Remus. "I've been in this room reading all day. I need some air."

Sirius scowled at him, knowing that he could not possibly get away with a similar escape.

Sirius tried to keep his cool. He cleared his throat before asking, "Did she have fun?"

It was almost impossible to read James' expression.

"She did. She had a wonderful time. She even got a kiss," said James, still speaking very calmly.

"James…"

"Oh, wait," said James, laughing cruelly. "Apparently, you're an incredible kisser. Lily was just raving about it."

"James," said Sirius again.

"No, no, no," said James, putting his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Don't be modest."

"James," said Sirius, raising his voice. "You got over her."

"It doesn't matter," said James.

"What the hell makes you think you have the right to control a girl I want to go out with?"

James looked at him incredulously. "You should want to respect my—"

"You're dating someone else!" Sirius exclaimed, unable to control himself any longer.

"Melinda? What does she have anything to do with this?"

Was James being deliberately obtuse?

"She's your current girlfriend," said Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"We're just dating," said James. "She has nothing to do with Lily."

"Right…because _I'm _dating Lily."

James rolled his eyes. "You're just doing this to bother me."

Sirius was thrown by that one. What reason did James think he had to purposely bother him? He wondered what James thought would motivate him to date Lily just to piss James off? How was Sirius even supposed to know it would bother him?

"Of course," said Sirius. "That's exactly what I'm doing."

James sat down on his bed. "Look, I don't want to fight. I just… Can you just promise me you won't date Lily?"

Any sane person would have continued to argue, to ask why it mattered to him, to say he was allowed to do anything he wanted. A sane person wouldn't have stood for his best friend controlling him.

But Sirius didn't want to date Lily anyway. And…James just looked so innocent and kind-hearted and forgiving. He didn't look as though he had been arguing and telling Sirius what to do just moments earlier.

He just looked so inviting…so amazing. So perfect.

Then again, he had always been perfect. Sirius had only just found out this very day what all of the tingles and tremors and confusing emotions had been about. It made him feel sick and happy and confused and ridiculous and wonderful.

James must have realized he was staring because he furrowed his brows. "What?" he asked curiously.

"I won't go out with Lily, James," said Sirius, bowing his head slightly like an ashamed animal

James smiled. "Good."

Sirius knew he shouldn't let James control him, but at the moment…his common sense was fading. Everything was getting hazy…and oh wow.

He was gay.

It was time to stop pretending.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" said James.

Sirius moved extremely close to him, bending over slightly to be close to the height of a boy on a bed.

James was just…it. Sirius wasn't quite sure what _it _was, and he certainly hadn't been searching for any _it…_but he had found it, and he wasn't going to let _it _walk away.

"What?" said James.

"Can I just—can I just—God, you're amazing."

"Wh—"

James' response was cut off by Sirius' lips crashing down upon his. It ended incredibly quickly, but Sirius knew that kissing him was what kissing was supposed to feel like. He did not have that kind of chemistry with Lily, and he definitely never would.

James' eyes widened. He stared back at James with an expression of utmost disbelief. There didn't seem to be disgust in his eyes…but it was at least ten straight minutes before he said a word.

"I'm going to brush my teeth."

For some reason, Sirius was pretty sure that was not supposed to be someone's reaction to a kiss. Lily was telling people he was pretty damn good at it.

Author's Note: PLEASE review. Sorry it took so long. I've been soooo busy.


	7. Realization

Author's Note: No, you are not imagining this. I've returned. I am back into fanfiction. Assuming all of you who are reading this are reading _Sick, _then you will perhaps know already that I have come back. But I guess I can imagine not all of you _have _read _Sick. _Anyway, for some reason it is harder to update this one than _Sick. _But I shall not complain any longer. Please review, darlings. Please. This _and Sick._ I would also suggest that you maybe reread, or at least skim, the other chapters before reading this.

By the waaaaay, this chapter focuses a bunch on Sirius' feelings for a certain boy. This may not suit all of you, but not necessarily will every chapter focus on this. I will not say none of them will after this, however. I do hope I won't be abandoned.

There had never been such tension in a room before. In the history of the world. Nobody seemed quite sure what had happened.

Well, it was obvious _what _had happened. Sirius Black had grabbed James Potter and kissed him. But what was not obvious was why.

Remus was speechless, his eyes seeming permanently wide.

Peter seemed to be wracking his brain to come up with something—anything—to say. From the looks of it, he wanted to make things less uncomfortable for all of them.

Sirius paid no attention to Remus and Peter, though he was aware they probably felt he had lost his mind. He was no exception; he was also wondering why the hell he had done it. He had spent days trying to avoid James when he was confused about his feelings. When he had finally figured them out, instead of doing something proper—denying it, avoiding him, focusing on something else—he had decided to tell James in the worst way possible.

He kissed his obviously heterosexual best friend on the lips.

In front of their other friends.

Sirius was thankful that James had not shouted or shown any disgust, but surely…surely he was not happy about it. How could he know for sure, though? James had been in the bathroom for a good fifteen minutes.

Remus cleared his throat, finally. Sirius turned his head to him slowly.

"Just to be clear…you just kissed James, right?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him and said nothing, turning back to watch the bathroom door.

Moments later, James emerged. Sirius honestly did not know what to expect. He prepared himself for the worst.

But it did not appear he was going to get the worse. James smiled at Sirius, made his way to his bed, and collapsed.

Sirius saw Remus and Peter exchange a look through his peripheral, but he continued to watch James curiously.

James laughed. "Stop staring at me, you git. Listen, I'm thinking…" he said slowly, addressing them all, "we continue tomorrow on our little operation."

Remus and Peter took the hint, and the discussion moved to their plan to become animagi. Sirius did not participate. He was not, at that moment, particularly enthusiastic about their plan. He was focused on James. He wanted to know what he was thinking. Why was he not saying anything about the kiss? Was it going to come up later?

Sirius figured he should have been pleased with the reaction he was getting. He had chosen to stupidly kiss his very male best friend. He was not being shunned, and he was not being interrogated.

Part of him was glad he did not have to talk about it.

But part of him wanted to talk about it, to know what James was thinking.

Maybe Sirius had the hope somewhere within him that James would have been fond of it?

Sirius shook his head quickly. If so, he had to rid himself of _that _fantasy.

….

James often pushed his glasses up and down on his face with his left hand when he was deep in thought. He would smile to himself when the answer—as it always would—popped into his brain.

James was oblivious to Sirius' staring. He was probably also unaware that Sirius had noticed these things, along with many other things about him.

Sirius had been struggling to accept his feelings for James, and in the process, he realized that perhaps the feelings had been with him for a long time, somewhere beneath the surface. How long had he been feeling this way? He had been fascinated by James Potter since the day they had met, but was it a crush from the start?

James laughed out loud. What joke had Sirius missed, staring at James?

"All right, Sirius?"

Sirius blinked, alarmed by James addressing him.

James had a smile on his face (what else was new?), but there was some worry behind it. "Are you feeling okay?" he said, when Sirius had not responded.

"Oh, yeah," said Sirius, pulling himself back into reality. The common room, which had ceased to exist, came back into focus. "I'm all right. Just tired."

James nodded understandingly. "It is late."

Remus looked at him curiously, but said nothing. Peter did not seem curious at all.

It had been a week since the incident in the dormitory, and no one had spoken of it. James had been acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. As he had been the night it happened, Sirius was torn about what he wanted. Did he want it acknowledged, to touch base with James? His head screamed that he did not want that at all.

But then why did it feel so bad to have it unacknowledged?

And why was James avoiding it? Was he too embarrassed that a boy had kissed him to even broach the subject? Sirius supposed he was. Perhaps James also thought that bringing it up would put pressure on or ruin their friendship. Sirius was thankful that had not yet happened.

Every direction seemed a bad one. It was one crappy situation.

But somehow…

Sirius smiled despite himself.

Somehow the feelings were nice…

Sirius had spoken with Lily the day after their date. He was afraid of how it would go, and he was not so sure what to tell her. Did he admit he was…well…what he was? Did he simply tell her he did not feel right with _her _and that they should just remain friends?

He knew that he was not going to tell her James was against their relationship. That was one thing he easily ruled out.

When he finally went to speak with her, she did not seem unhappy at all. She admitted that there did not seem to be a spark between them, that she had hoped he felt it, too: that they were just meant to be friends.

It had gone much better than expected. The two decided to forget the whole thing ever happened.

"_I do have a couple questions, though,"_ Sirius had said to her that day. "_Were you really raving about the kiss, and if so, why?"_

_Lily reddened slightly._ _"Surely you also made the date sound better than it was, Sirius?"_

After raising her eyebrows knowingly, she had left to join her other friends.

At least, through all that had happened, Sirius had managed to keep both James and Lily as his friends. When he thought about all that had occurred, it really did seem quite a miracle that there was nothing uncomfortable between himself and Lily and no avoidance, anger, or disgust from James.

There was something strange about the way Lily had been talking to him, though. Sirius could not quite put his finger on what.

"I say we get off to bed, then," said James, always the leader of the group. He stood up, expecting the others to follow. "Sirius is too tired to focus on anything, Remus is practically asleep in his book…"

Sirius laughed. "Yeah, that's probably wise."

Sirius was anything but tired, but going up to his bed did not seem that bad of an idea. Sirius and James often stayed up talking after Remus and Peter had fallen asleep, and Sirius was…though he hated to admit it, even to himself, anxious for this kind of "James time."

_It's never going to happen_, Sirius had to remind himself. He could not let for one second any kind of notion enter his mind that there was any potential for James Potter to be anything more than his friend.

Though Sirius may have known without the reminder, he still felt it could not hurt to give it to himself.

Well, it did hurt. But that pain was the kind he would have to deal with until this unasked for crush dissipated.

Sirius tried to be subtle when focusing on other things while his roommates changed into their sleepwear. Nobody questioned him, but he had no idea whether or not he was receiving confused glances. He looked anywhere but at his friends. When they had all gotten into bed, he took his change of clothes into the bathroom with him with the excuse that he wanted to shower.

When he was done with his shower, he was pleased to see that James was still awake, flipping through a Quidditch magazine on his stomach. Remus and Peter were out.

He got into his own bed, hoping that James had stayed up for him.

James tossed the magazine to the floor. "Hey, listen," he said, turning onto his back. Glancing at Remus and Peter, he dropped his voice to a whisper. "I've got to talk to you about something."

Sirius' eyes widened, but he quickly tried to hide this from James. "What's that?" he whispered.

James looked uncomfortable.

Was this it? Was James going to bring up what had been avoided for so long? Sirius did not know if he could handle it.

"I know I told you not to go out with Lily…and…that wasn't really fair of me."

"Oh," said Sirius. At that point, they were both on their sides, facing each other. "Well, Lily and I—it was mutual. We realized that we're not really…like that…for each other."

James looked relieved. "But I still…I didn't have the right…"

"Don't worry about it," whispered Sirius.

James grinned. "Thanks."

James' hazel eyes were bright, the smile clearly in them, as well. He started to talk of other things, unrelated to Lily, and Sirius found himself talking, too. The smile in James' eyes as he talked enthusiastically about everything seemed to calm Sirius for a while. He smiled back, delighted to see the happiness simply radiating off of James.

Sirius loved everything about James. His smile, his contagious, infectious smile and laughter. His messy hair that he so often ran his hands through. His compassion. His loyalty. His…

The smile nearly fell completely from Sirius' face, but he did his best to keep it there, fake as it may have been. He realized that this was not just a simple crush. No, not at all.

The happiness James gave him worked both against him and in his favor.

And the new realization both hurt him and made him happy.

This was going to be both pleasant and torturous.

Sirius had fallen for James Potter.

….

Sirius was trying his hardest to not think about his realization from the previous night. He had stayed up talking nonsense with James until about two a.m. The two had been chastised by Remus when they were forced to get up for class in the morning.

But it had been worth it. All time with James was worth it.

Ever since he had come to the conclusion that he was in lo—that he felt what he felt, he had been trying to push the thought out of his head.

Well, not completely. Sometimes he liked to think about it, truthfully. But he pushed the thoughts away quickly, if he could.

He tried.

But something always reminded him. Even James' smile could do it, and James was always, always smiling.

James had excused himself from further time with the marauders after Transfiguration, with plans to spend time with Lily.

As wonderful as Lily was, he was pretty much using her to get away from the bloody smiler.

One second, he wanted to be near James as much as possible. The next…he needed to get away.

Sirius found Lily, as expected, in the library with Alice. When he sat down with them, Alice stood up to leave them be.

"No, no," he said. "No, feel free to stay."

Alice glanced between the two. "It's all right, Sirius. I've had enough of her anyway," she said teasingly, waving at them both.

Sirius grinned guiltily. "I didn't mean to drive her away."

Lily shrugged. Smiling kindly, she asked, "Something up, Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head immediately. "No, I'm fine."

Lily closed her book. "You know," she said, leaning forward, "you can always tell me."

Lily looked at him as though she could tell he was lying. Her eyes were not pushy, but knowing. She would not make him tell her anything, but it seemed she knew there was something to tell.

Sirius looked away from her knowing eyes. "I'm just having a little problem with James," he said, after a long silence.

"Hmm," said Lily.

Sirius did not know what that meant. He met her pretty green eyes again. "Well, just know you can trust me, Sirius. I'll never reveal any secret, and I'll never judge you."

Sirius smiled appreciatively. "Thanks," he said. "But I'm fine."

"Mhm," she said, nodding. When she opened her book, Sirius could have sworn she was smirking.


	8. Not Being in Love with Him

Author's Note: Kay, so there were kind of a bunch of things that helped to delay this chapter. Haha. But here it is. Might be nice if you reviewed. :). Enjoy.

"Gay. I'm gay. Gay. Gay. Gay."

Sirius tried the words out loud in front of the bathroom mirror for the first time. They sounded peculiar. Though he had admitted it to himself that he was indeed…different…and certainly interested in men and not in the fairer sex, it still…to say he was gay…

Well, if he could not even say it aloud to himself in the mirror, how could he tell other people?

His friends may not have been so surprised after the occurrence in their dormitory. With the treatment it was getting, however, it was possible Sirius had dreamed the kiss.

"Sirius, are you putting on mascara in there?" yelled Peter, banging on the door. "People gotta get in!"

"All right!" Sirius called back. "Keep your bloody pants on."

It was shaping up to be a pretty normal day. The marauders went to class, (Sirius and James paid little attention) they had an enjoyable lunch, they joked, they laughed. It was all fine and good on the outside. Internal struggles were not brought to the surface.

In all the happiness, one might think that Sirius would be able to forget his troubles with James. But it was perhaps…sort of the opposite. When he had such fun with James, it reminded him of how much he loved him.

It was sort of a nightmare.

James, thankfully, did not seem to notice Sirius' feelings. Or perhaps not thankfully?

And so, even though Sirius was not as normal inside as he had been weeks before, the day, on the outside, seemed very ordinary.

Until dinner.

Even that did not seem to be anything outside of the ordinary, at first. Dinner was the only time of day that James would allow time with Mercedes, other than the nod if he passed her in a corridor. Sometimes they talked. Sometimes she just sat with them and laughed at their antics. And sometimes, she would just sit with her friends.

This was evidently a James night. Mercedes easily squeezed her thin body between Remus and Peter, across from Sirius and James.

"Evening, boys," she said, smiling. Her eyes, Sirius noticed, were slightly puffy. It looked as though she had been crying.

"I notice that you seem to be doing pretty well today, James."

Sirius' brow furrowed. James was always doing well. But that may not have been a real issue with Mercedes' statement. What was an issue—and rather confusing—was that Mercedes did not seem pleased about James' apparent happiness. In fact, she seemed…was it angry?

Sirius turned to look at the boy next to him. James had his eyes on his salad, bringing forkfuls of lettuce to his mouth. His hand was shaking slightly. Mercedes' presence and/or statement that night seemed to bring about a change in James' demeanor, but James seemed to be trying not to show it.

He looked up from his salad, and Sirius looked away quickly, not wanting to be caught. But James did not look at him. Instead, he looked at his sister.

"Don't you want to sit with your friends, Cedez?"

To the untrained ear, James' question may have sounded nonchalant, friendly, teasing. Something other than what Sirius could tell it was underneath. Being James' best friend for more than two years and in love with him for, well, who knew how long, Sirius was very trained in James-ese.

And though Sirius did not know why, he knew that James was afraid. He looked at Remus and Peter to see if they had noticed James' tone. Peter, it was clear, did not. He was focused on his turkey. With Remus, it was impossible to tell. Remus had obviously noticed _something _weird was going on. He looked rather confused and kept moving his eyes slowly from James to his sister and back. Sirius was unsure if he had heard James' fear. He imagined it was hard for him to see Mercedes' face, let alone her puffy eyes, when he was sitting to her right.

Mercedes took a deep, slow breath, and let it out before speaking. "James," she said, "Me and Ciara were thinking about doing something for Dad tonight. We'd like you to be there."

Peter put his globlet down before sipping his drink. For the first time, he seemed interested. "Is your dad okay, James?" he asked. "Is he sick?"

Mercedes' dark eyes widened. She opened her mouth and closed it, looking furious. Sirius turned again to Remus to find that he was looking back at him. Sirius tried to shrug so that no one but Remus would see.

Remus started rising from his seat, his meal barely touched. "Well, he said, his eyes locked with Sirius', "I think we'll just leave you and Ja—"

"No!" Mercedes shouted, slapping her hand on the table.

Remus sat down quickly, shocked. People had begun to stare, but Mercedes seemed unaware.

"You," said Mercedes, pointing at Sirius, Remus, and Peter respectively, her eyes flashing, "need to hear this."

"Mercedes," said James slowly. Clapping Sirius on the shoulder, he whispered, "You guys can go."

"Can't believe—how could—they're your best _friends."_

Sirius remembered the discussions he had had with Lily about James' father. He remembered when he had tried to get James to come clean about the mystery. But there had been other things on his mind…

If Mercedes told the truth, Sirius thought he might be about to gain some insight. Sirius moved further away from James and leaned forward slightly, hoping to be able to see James' face more clearly.

"It's like an insult," said Mercedes, shaking her head at her brother.

"No, it's not," said James, rolling his eyes and scooping out some mashed potatoes for himself. "Just because I don't mope doesn't mean I'm insulting anyone."

"I didn't say you have to mope! None of us bloody mope!"

"Have you_ looked_ in a mirror?"

Mercedes did not answer this. "So, you guys are completely unaware that—you—for over two _years_, your best friends don't know that your father's dead? How the hell did you even manage to hide that, James?"

James sighed. "Well, now that you've exposed it to the world, what did you want to do?"

Mercedes pushed her hair behind her shoulders. "Well," she started, sounding far from pleased, "we don't know, exactly. Just something to honor the _anniversary _of the _death _of our _dead _father."

"Yeah, I get the point_,_ Mercedes. We don't have to say the word 'dead' after every other."

"Well, maybe we do, James. Because apparently, you didn't know how to say it before today. Maybe you need some practice." She got up from the table. "I think I will go sit with my friends. Meet me and Ciara in the common room at ten. If you don't come, all I can say is fuck you."

With that, Mercedes left to join her friends.

It _had _been a normal day.

Sirius' eyes wide, he looked at Remus for directions. Remus was watching Mercedes converse with her friends, however. Sirius suspected it was to avoid looking at any of them. Peter stared at his plate, and James was looking up at the starry ceiling.

Sirius had to take matters into his own hands. He cleared his throat. "So, you enjoying those potatoes, James?"

James actually laughed out loud. "Thank you, Sirius. You're the best," he said.

Sirius smiled, but put his face in his hands, faking a coughing fit. If he were blushing, he did not need his friends to see that.

….

"So, just to be clear…none of us knew, right?"

Sirius sighed. "We didn't know, Remus."

"But how?" Remus asked.

Sirius sat up on his bed to look at Remus properly. Remus was on his own bed; he seemed to be feeling rather guilty.

"He lied, Remus. It's not our fault. I don't know why he didn't want us knowing, though. It's not as though it's _embarrassing."_

Remus nodded. "Maybe it was too sad for him."

"Maybe, maybe."

Peter spoke up quietly from his bed, "I thought we weren't supposed to have these kind of secrets."

Remus looked less guilty. "Yes, that's true. He ripped the secret out of me. But he gets to lie about his own."

"This is different, guys," said Sirius. "His dad's dead. I mean, I don't pretend to understand why he did it, but I don't think we should pretend we understand what he's going through or been through."

"Yeah, I know," Remus muttered. "Wonder what happened."

Though Sirius did mean what he said about James, Peter was right. They had essentially agreed, albeit in an unspoken way, that they did not have to hide anything from each other, that they were in things together. Was Sirius obligated to talk about what he had been hiding, as well? Would they accept it? Was homosexuality really any worse than werewolf? Was Peter the only one of them that had not kept a major secret?

Before another word was said, James opened the door.

"Well, I'm so glad I went to that. My father could surely tell we did that," he said, laughing.

Nobody was sure what to say to this.

"Listen," said James, once he had settled on his bed. "Guys, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. I didn't want…your pity. It's really not a big deal."

"You said he just worked a lot…workaholic, I think you called him," said Sirius.

"Well, technically, he was. When he was alive."

"How did…" Remus began. He seemed to be struggling with whether his questions was an appropriate or tactless thing to ask at that moment. "I mean-"

"Suicide," said James matter-of-factly. He did not seem upset in the slightest. "Please, don't worry about it, guys. No big thing."

James certainly took this matter lightly. Of course, Sirius realized, that wasn't really a surprise at all. James took everything lightly. He had only seemed apprehensive or fearful when his sister was about to spoil his secret, but once it was out, he did not cry about it. Perhaps he was relieved. And relieved that his friends were not angry with him for hiding it. But the anniversary of his father's death, being reminded of it, having a ceremony with his sisters, telling them it was suicide… None of this seemed to break James down.

He hadn't freaked out as badly as he could have when Sirius kissed him. Maybe his news really would be no big deal?

Taking a deep breath, Sirius said, "I have my own confession to make."

None of the marauders responded. Only James looked at him, grinning. This was the big moment.

"I—I think—I mean, I kinda know…maybe—I'm…" He looked around at them all. James' smile fell only slightly. Remus looked as though he was trying to hold back laughter. Peter was waiting patiently for Sirius to continue. "I'm only saying this because…we're not supposed to have secrets. And I'm hoping you'll be…all right with this. Well…" This felt so weird. "I guess…I'm gay."

Remus seemed to be struggling still—maybe even more than before—with holding back laughter. He closed his eyes, breathed slowly, and spoke. "And that's your big news?"

Peter gave into a little laughter himself. James turned to the two of them and then back to Sirius. Sirius was glad to see there was nothing negative in his expression.

"Uh, yeah," said Sirius. "Was that not good enough? Did you want me to say I was a woman?"

"Well, don't be offended, Sirius," said Remus. "It's just not really a surprise, is it?"

"It's…not?"

Peter raised an eyebrow at him. "You kissed James, Sirius! And al—"

"We put the pieces together," said Remus. It looked to Sirius as though Remus had shot Peter a look after cutting him off.

Interesting.

So, they had figured it out themselves and seemed to have no problem with it. If Sirius hadn't been so stupid by questioning them further, perhaps the kiss would not have been brought up. In front of James Potter himself.

Sirius tried to gauge James' reaction to it. He could have forgotten about it, pushed it from his mind, and here it was brought up.

James did not seem negatively affected, however.

Smiling beautifully at him (causing Sirius to smile himself), James said, "Well, congratulations, Sirius." He seemed sincere. "I'm sure that was hard."

"Shouldn't have been," said Remus. "We don't care! As long as it doesn't affect us, and I don't see how it would. I doubt you're going to force us to participate in…gay-like…activities…"

Sirius laughed. "That's one way to phrase 'dating guys.' And of course not… I don't even know if I'm going to do that."

James rolled his eyes and waved a hand dismissively. "Course you will. I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking it's bed time for me."

….

James and Sirius had once again stayed up past the others talking, their eyes falling closed for longer and longer periods of time as it got later.

"I don't really think," said Sirius, stifling a yawn, "that there'll be any people here like me to even have the opportunity to date."

James shook his head, his eyes now permanently closed. "Sure there's about as many here as any other school. Which is to say," he laughed, "close to none."

"Great," said Sirius.

He took advantage of James' eyes being closed to stare at his best friend that he simply could not get enough of.

Before he bothered to stop himself, the words fell out of his mouth. "James, I think we should talk about that kiss…"

How close James was to sleep, Sirius could not tell, but he laughed softly. "You needed to sort things out, I get it. And I can't blame you for wanting to do that with me, seeing how good-looking I am."

Sirius laughed, too, though he knew there was more to it than James may have believed. And truthfully, it may have been lucky for them both that James did not see the seriousness, that it was not simply James being good-looking and Sirius trying to "sort things out."

"You're not—that's it?"

"Yeah, sure" said James. "But don't get any ideas. There are no clandestine snogging sessions with James Potter in your future. Not my thing."

James may have been joking, and Sirius was…well, he may have been partially grateful for that, honestly. To joke about it with James was calming, fun. And though he knew James was not like him…it still caused somewhat of a pang within him.

It was stupid to believe that James, as accepting as he was, would ever return any feelings for him.

But maybe, maybe somewhere within him, he had still hoped.

James was supposedly unaware of the depth of Sirius' feelings, which could prove to be both a comfort and a curse. On the one hand, this could mean less to no awkwardness between them and less of a chance that their friendship would break apart. However, if James did not know how serious the feelings were, there was a chance he would make the situation more torturous for Sirius with jokes, rubbing his pain in his face without meaning to, making things uncomfortable…

Sirius remembered what had been shunned from his mind for a while. James' father was dead. He had committed suicide, and James had known about for years. But James still managed to seem the happiest person Sirius had ever met. While this may have been a problem with James' sisters, Sirius found it may have added to James' beautiful qualities in his eyes (which Sirius really did not need at that point). To carry on the way James did was such horror in his past was impressive, wasn't it?

"Gon sleep," James mumbled into his pillow, barely coherent.

"Okay. Are you awake enough for one question?" asked Sirius.

James made a noise that sounded rather like "mhm." Sirius was not sure James would be awake by the end of the question.

"Were you ever going to confront me about the kiss?"

James made a noise that Sirius could not interpret. After a moment, he said, "Was your business. If you wanted to talk, you will."

"You mean would? Would have?"

James groaned. "Yeah. Tired. Sleep. Good-bye."

So, James had been avoiding bringing up the kiss because he knew Sirius would have brought it up if _he _wanted to discuss it.

If James was going to be _such_ an amazing fucking friend, this not-being-in-love-with-him thing was not going to be that easy.


	9. Abnormally Normal

**Author's Note: So, I know this kinda took a while. Not only did I have to update the other stories first, but I've been semi-busy and have had sort of a hard time writing this one. I don't know if it has anything or **_**much**_** to do with it being hard to write, but my life's got a whole bunch of pain in it right now. And I don't know when, or if, everything's going to get better. :/. But at least I may have some faithful readers! Anyway, I hope you enjoy and maybe review? But don't pretend to like it just because of my sob story, please. ;). First person chapter.**

"_What?"_

Lily's eyes were wide with surprise, and she was blinking rapidly.

James repeated his question calmly. "Will you go out with me?"

It seemed interesting to me that James would be the calm one. He was the one performing the frightful task of asking someone out. But no. James was the only calm, cool, and collected individual in the area.

Or at least he was acting that way.

James decided to ask Lily out in the middle of a corridor full of people, all of whom stopped their journeys to class, lunch, their respective common rooms, wherever they were headed. To witness this.

Lily glanced around her, probably aware that she was going to be talked about, whatever her answer.

"I…" She cleared her throat. Her eyes, once wide, were now narrowed. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Not at all," said James, smiling that charming smile of his.

I kept my eyes moving. James to Lily to James to Lily over and over and over. I wasn't sure what was about to happen. I knew that Lily frequently complained about James, but perhaps this was a pleasant surprise for her. If she did say yes, surely it was my job to be happy for James? But I wasn't so sure I would be.

But then if she said no, and I ended up pleased, would that make me a terrible friend?

And didn't I want the boy I loved to be happy, even if it would not be with me?

"No!"

The mouths of some girls actually fell open, staring at Lily. She actually rejected James Potter, a boy fancied by so many. A boy who had chosen her. It was unbelievable to them.

"No," James repeated. "No, you will not go out with me?"

Lily looked at James with a mixture of irritation and disbelief. Then, she turned to me (right beside James, of course) and gave me a questioning "is-he-serious?" look. I only smiled slightly.

Looking back at James, she said, "It's a no, Potter. An absolute no!"

Without another word, she took off, faster than she had been walking before.

James turned to me with a—yes—smile on his face. Despite being rejected by his long-time crush, James Potter was _smiling. _

It was actually somewhat a smirk.

Either way, it had my head spinning. From both confusion and…well…I won't even mention it.

I had to ask.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

The boys who had been standing around had left, along with some of the girls, but there was still a large group of girls packing the corridor.

"She'll come around," said James with a wink. "Come on. We're about to be late for Potions." He started walking again and gestured that we should follow him.

Remus snorted, but seemed happy to be moving again. "You couldn't care less about that, James. You just want to talk about this without eavesdroppers."

"Don't question my motives," said James, laughing.

….

It was an odd sort of day. James had asked Lily out, been turned down, and it seemed half the whole school was aware. Yet, James wasn't worried, and he certainly was not showing any sort of unhappiness. In fact, he seemed rather excited.

According to his explanations, James seemed to think that Lily turning him down worked sort of in his favor. If he continued to ask her even when she said no, it would show her that it was not an offhand request. It would show her that he was determined to get her.

And apparently, it would be fun. Apparently, it would be an adventure.

Somehow I didn't think it was going to be all that fun for me. For a number of reasons. I hoped I wouldn't lose Lily as a friend.

Lily was the only topic discussed through Potions, through Defense Against the Dark Arts, all the way to our dormitory.

I was almost thankful when James had to go to Quidditch practice because I couldn't take another damn minute of Evans this and Evans that.

"The only thing that irks me," said James, leaning against his broomstick in the doorway, "is that she lets some nasty Slytherin in, and then she hates me."

I turned away from James, choosing to look at the ceiling above my bed instead. I couldn't handle his eyes or smile anymore. "I don't know, James. Like you said, give it time."

"You'll help me, though? Right?"

"Sure."

And then he left. And I was finally going to have a minute to myself, finally not have to listen to any talk about Lily for however long Quidditch practice and the journey there and back took. But I was to help James get with his dream girl, however I was supposed to do that, and potentially be the one (or one of the people) to end my chance with him.

Not that I had a chance anyway.

It had been about a week since my kiss discussion with James, and keeping my feelings to myself was somehow a little exciting, but otherwise haunting. If I never got to do anything with my feelings, how would they ever disappear? And I couldn't very easily be in love with James for the rest of my life.

If I were to tell James how I felt about him, it perhaps would do no good, other than having the secret out there and off my chest. I would say that the feelings would certainly not be returned, but apparently I did not have the guts to admit that to myself.

And if he knew, he would probably wonder all the time—at least internally, if he never asked aloud—if they were gone yet.

Is Sirius still interested in me?

Has Sirius gotten over it yet?

And if he were to ask me, I would have to keep telling him no, unless I was okay with lying. And if I was going to end up lying, why tell him in the first place? And surely those lies would haunt me the same way this would, perhaps even worse?

There was more than one reason for me to be concerned about hiding this from James. But I couldn't deny this as one of them…We weren't supposed to have secrets. Did this one count?

"Sirius?"

Remus' voice came up gently. My eyes remained on the ceiling when I answered him. "Yeah?"

"Umm…" He paused. I was just _maybe _curious. "Well, if you want to talk…"

I turned my entire body to face Remus and Peter, leaning on my elbow. "What do you mean?"

Remus smiled kindly. Peter looked rather impatient.

"About what's happening with James," said Remus.

Before I could answer, Peter shouted, "We know!"

Remus closed his eyes and shook his head, a small smile on his face. After he had opened them, he said calmly, "What Peter means to say—a little early—is we know about your—your feelings for James."

I tried my best to keep my cool. "Feelings?"

"Yeah, I made sure Peter didn't mention it to you in front of James. This is one of the first times we've gotten a chance and…well, I guess it makes sense now with what happened today," said Remus, using that gentle, kind voice of his.

Denial seemed about right.

"I don't have feelings for James," I said. "Just friendship."

Remus gave me that knowing smile. "I see the way you look at him. It's very obvious."

Giving up the façade, I asked the question that immediately came to me. "Is it obvious to him?"

Remus chuckled. "Nah. He's got no idea, trust me."

I decided that taking advantage of their knowledge by talking would be more useful than denial anyway. But it was still somewhat uncomfortable, so I avoided their eyes.

"Do you—I mean, is it wrong, you think, for me to keep it from him?"

"No," they answered together.

"I mean, I don't know, Sirius," Remus continued. "It might make things uncomfortable for him. And to be honest…what would telling him really do?"

"He's straight," Peter added.

As if I didn't already understand what Remus was trying to say. That James would not feel that way about me.

"What's there to talk about?" I asked, feeling rather down.

"Well, I'm sure this isn't easy for you, mate," said Remus. "You have feelings for your straight best friend who has feelings for someone else, who by the way, is also your friend. And you're supposed to help him get with her."

"I know the situation," I said quietly.

But it just had to be pounded into my head.

"So, if you ever _do _want to talk, you can talk to us."

"I appreciate it."

And I did appreciate it. I truthfully had the best friends I could have ever asked for. They made my somewhat stressful, confusing life better. They made me stop wishing I had never been born. They made me happier.

….

When James returned after about two hours, nothing further had been discussed. That is to say, nothing about the James situation was further discussed with me. Remus and Peter talked to each other about various things, laughing every once in a while, but they left me alone to my thoughts.

James came in, looking exhausted, but content. His pants were muddy to the knees. He collapsed onto his bed on his stomach.

"I love that game," he said cheerfully.

I shook my head at him, but a grin came naturally to my face. "You're going to get your bed _so _nasty."

James snorted. "Little dirt never hurt anyone."

I shrugged. "I guess. But I wouldn't want to sleep in a pool of mud, personally."

Remus laughed. "You're a pig, James. Go take a shower and change."

James flipped over to his back. "I'll shower," he said, "but the damage to my bed has been do—" He stopped short, and I looked at him curiously, but he was staring at the window. I followed his gaze.

An owl was making its way closer and closer to our window.

"Ten galleons that's my mum," said James.

Sure enough, when the owl got close enough to identify, we knew it belonged to Mrs. Potter. James got up to open the window before the owl had to tap and pet the owl absentmindedly while reading the letter it carried.

I then witnessed something I never had before. James tore up his letter, looking extremely put out. James was only human, and like he had once told me, he wasn't happy "all the time." But any time I had ever seen him remotely unhappy, it faded very quickly. It was an irritated roll of the eyes, a quick darkening in them, a sigh, or maybe something else. But that would be essentially it. A quick gesture, then a smile, a laugh, or a "forget it."

But this time, it lasted more than a moment. His eyes showed pain, but the rest of him showed anger.

Though there was no wild and odd exclamation from James, it was as if there had been. It seemed that I was not the only one who noticed the abrupt change in James' behavior, not just from the moment before, but from the James we had always known.

James finally noticed that we were all staring. He shrugged, but he didn't smile. "Mum just drives me crazy sometimes."

This was normal. I mean, for most people. I could certainly relate to a mother driving her son crazy. And if I had just met James about an hour before this, it would perhaps be nothing unusual. Maybe uncomfortable. But probably not abnormal.

But for James, it was abnormal.

But maybe it wasn't? Could it be that he always reacted this way when he read letters from his mother? We weren't always there, were we?

James sat back down on the end of his bed for only a second before rising again. "I'm going to shower," he mumbled.

When he went into the bathroom, he closed the door just a tad roughly behind him, gentle enough to seem normal, but hard enough for me to know it was not.

Author's Note: Kind of on the short side. And I don't know how good you found it. :/. _The Good _will be next.


	10. Duty

_**Author's Note: Don't be too mad, please. I'm back at college, and things are kinda crazy school-wise and otherwise. I'm not the happiest camper. Times are tough. And I can be busy. That being said, I also know that this chapter is not very long, but I wanted to leave it where I did. I will be starting the next chapter of The Good…perhaps today? Perhaps some time this weekend? We'll see. Anyways, I hope this chapter suits you all. Enjoy.**_

The way James acted…it was as if the other marauders imagined his reaction to the letter. He had emerged from the bathroom a few minutes after entering it, smiling like there had been no problem at all.

They didn't question him. If James could come out of the bathroom so happily so quickly, he was fine, right? Obviously he could handle everything himself, right? His problem couldn't be that serious.

Right?

So, the marauders kept their questions to themselves. If James wanted to tell them, he would. And if he didn't, they could respect that privacy.

Hopefully.

Sirius had his own problems to deal with, of course. James' obsession with Lily was coming at him on all sorts of different fronts: he had to help him win her over, he had to deal with however James being interested in Lily made him feel, he had to deal with Lily's complaining about it.

Besides that, Lily was also very upset about goings on with her and Severus, goings on that left her hurt and crying on Sirius' shoulder more than once. He had had to set aside special "Lily time."

James didn't like that so much. Which caused him to have a slight attitude about it that Sirius did not need to deal with.

It was a bloody mess.

Even though James was able to keep up appearances as being happy and having no problem with me and Lily hanging out, he still made Sirius feel like crap about it.

"So, it's like a Lily night, right?"

Sirius knew that James knew very well that it was a "Lily night." He only asked to have the chance to talk about it.

Sirius sighed. "Yes, that's correct," he said, rolling his eyes.

"So, after we're done eating here, you guys are going to like go get cozy on the Common Room couch or something?" said James, twirling some spaghetti on his fork.

Sirius shook his head slowly. "You know it's not like that. We're just friends."

"Right," said James, nodding. "Right, I know. I mean, it's not like you ever went on a date or anything."

Sirius turned to his other friends to see if they found this as unbelievable as he did, but Remus and Peter were busy in their own conversation about homework.

Turning back to James, he said, "Which led me to the realization that I was gay."

James raised his eyebrow. "Lily could still be into _you."_

"Lily's the one who broke it to me that the date didn't go well!"

James eyes Sirius suspiciously and then shrugged. "Okay."

It was getting seriously annoying.

….

"I definitely wouldn't say things are fine."

"Mhmm."

"I mean…" Lily paused, her eyes above Sirius' head. He noticed she had been refusing eye contact for weeks. "I mean, it's just feeling so…forced."

Sirius nodded. "I understand. Maybe it's time to just cut him loose?"

Lily shook her head quickly. "No, I can't do that! He's my best friend."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, perhaps more to himself than to Lily. "But…you just said it's feeling forced, right?"

Lily waved a dismissive hand, as if Sirius was supposed to disregard her "crazy talk" from before. "You just don't understand."

Truthfully, he probably didn't. He had only started having best friends—friends, in general, actually—only a couple years before, and he had never had a situation like Lily's with any of them. His friends were good to him, they had fun together, and if ever they had to be serious about things (which James made sure was a rare occurrence), they were very kind and respectful and wonderful about it. He had never had a situation like Lily's. And he had thought very much on the surface about it. Snape wasn't her friend anymore, it was forced, just give it up. Cut the cord. No big deal.

But finally, Sirius put it into a different perspective. What if things went this way with James? Snape had, after all, once been a lovely friend to Lily, at least according to her. They had had fun together, she cared for him, he loved her. What if this happened with James? He suddenly changed, and their friendship became a struggle, something that was so far gone, yet they didn't break it apart? Would he be able to cut the cord, or would he hold onto James the way Lily held onto Snape?

Through this perspective, Lily's actions and feelings made a little more sense to Sirius.

Sirius looked into her eyes, despite the fact that she wouldn't look back, and he saw their beauty. He saw _her _beauty. He could certainly understand what James saw, even if he couldn't feel the same way as James did.

"Anyway," said Lily, "it's not really his fault."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "It's not?"

"No," said Lily. She shook her head and glanced at the library clock behind Sirius' head. "We've been here nearly an hour."

Sirius shrugged. "That's fine by me."

Lily smiled sadly. "No, it's not his fault. I mean, he's surrounded by those people. He lives with hateful people. It's hard for him to—to be himself, I guess. But it'll be okay. It'll really be fine. I know him."

It was possibly just an excuse to get her through the day, but if it did get her through the day, Sirius wasn't about to smash it. "I'm sure you do, Lil."

Maybe Snape would come around. He was only a fourteen-year-old boy. They were known to be immature and go through stages of idiocy, no? If Lily could wait it out, he could potentially grow up. And if not, she would have to face it then. He wouldn't make her face it now.

"So, I'd better get going," said Lily. "I promised Alice I'd help her with her Potions essay, and it's getting later and later."

"Okay," said Sirius. "No problem."

Lily got out of her chair, pushed it in, and waited while Sirius did the same. "I assume you're going back to Gryffindor Tower?"

Sirius nodded. "Of course."

"Then, I'll walk back with you."

Sirius laughed. "I expected it as much, Lily."

Lily glared teasingly and shoved Sirius as they made their way out of the library and into the empty corridor. "Shut your mouth, Black."

As they walked, they talked of unimportant things, the conversation of Lily's male best friend not brought up since the library. They talked about classes and grades and things going on at Lily's house. The air was pretty relaxed. There was no serious topic, nothing that couldn't wait until a later time to discuss.

So, Sirius felt it was as good a time as any to bring up the subject.

"Lily?"

It seemed she could tell, perhaps from the use of her name rather than a casual start of a topic, that this was something on the more serious side.

"Yeah?"

"I'm gay."

It was about time she knew.

Before Lily said anything, Sirius added, "And please don't say you already knew. Apart from killing the excitement of giving new information, it also may be insulting to hear that it was just so obvious, that I just gave off the gay vibe."

Lily laughed. "I won't say that I knew, but I entertained the thought."

They were nearly at the entrance to the Common Room.

"So, this is just no surprise to anyone, huh?"

"I don't know. There are signs. Can I ask you a question?"

Sirius was thrown off guard by this. "Yeah, sure."

Lily stopped walking when they arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady. She turned to Sirius. "What is this deal with James asking me out?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked quickly.

"Like…why is he doing it?"

"Because…he likes you."

Lily laughed, but Sirius could tell she didn't find it amusing. "Right. Okay, thanks."

"What? You don't believe that?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't want to offend you. I know he's your friend… But this is probably just some silly thing he's concocted to bother me for his enjoyment for a while. It's well-known we're not the best of friends. Probably a new method of torture or something. If I had said yes, he probably would have just hurt me. I mean, not that I would have been hurt, not that I'm in love with him, but being played and then rejected can't be fun, right? This may make me sound like I find him cruel; I don't know that I do. But he is a boy, and this is probably a game. Boys like their games, I guess. I suppose he may grow out of it."

After listening to Lily's speech, Sirius was sort of frozen. He knew what he was supposed to do as a best friend to James and…someone who loved James very much. He knew it was his duty to tell Lily then and there that she was wrong, that James did truly like her, that he _had _liked her for years.

Sirius had to tell Lily that James was completely genuine, and though Sirius could not be sure what would happen after he got her to go out with him, James wanted it.

Sirius knew this was his duty as best friend and someone who loved James very much. He should have wanted James to be happy. He was supposed to want that.

But instead of defending James, instead of trying to set Lily straight…

Sirius said nothing. He made a slight, noncommittal noise that could have been taken as an agreement to what Lily said. And that was that.


End file.
